why they dont respond to my messages online dating

Why don't women respond to my online messages?

Dear Eva, I’ve been trying online dating for a year or so now. I sent my first message nervously, wondering what reply might come back, and was slightly surprised and disappointed when nothing happened. Now, after messaging 87 different ladies, none of whom have replied either. I’m entirely stuck. I’m no scattergun, I carefully read every profile before choosing which people to message, then send them a message responding to the information they’ve provided and asking them questions to find out more. I’ve had friends review my profile and they’re at a loss as to why I’m not getting replies. I did have a short relationship with one person who messaged me first, and she commented that my profile didn’t sound like I actually am, but I’ve no idea how. My goal is now a nihilistic one: I want to get to 100 people messaged with no reply before quitting for good. Can you help me get a happier ending? A reader. First of all: give yourself a break. Hide your profiles, or delete them, for at least a month. Maybe two!

Not because you’re never going to meet anyone online, but because you’re focused on counting rejections. This is not the right frame of mind to meet anyone. Would you go to the movies if going to the movies made you feel miserable? Take a breather and focus on other ways that you enjoy spending your time. The love of your life is not going to slip through your fingers because you weren’t looking for her online for a couple of months, I promise. When you’re ready to return – which is after you have deleted the spreadsheet where you’re tracking your rejections – it’s time to rethink your profile. You mentioned in your letter that it doesn’t “sound like I actually am”, and in the profile that you sent me, you write something similar at the end. This is a bit self-defeating. Imagine reading an advertisement for a product you were interested in, with a footnote that read: “Of course, this advertisement doesn’t reflect the product at all.” You wouldn’t buy it. Your opening paragraph says what you’re not looking for. Imagine me coming over to your home. You ask me if I’d like a drink, and I say, “Not coffee! Whatever you do, don’t bring me a cup of coffee!

I’m not one of those people who is interested in coffee!” Weird, right? This means you wouldn’t feel excited about getting me a glass of what I do want (double scotch, straight up). You would think I was annoying. True story: I will not respond to anyone whose profile volunteers what they dislike in other people, even if it’s something that I’m not keen on either, because the volunteering gives me the impression that they are inclined to be negative and judgmental. Which is maybe judgmental of me!

But there you go. Your profile is too long. You are a fascinating person with a broad range of interests and accomplishments. You have included them all here. But this isn’t a CV. Think about the real-life parallel: if you met an attractive woman out in the wild (the grocery store), you wouldn’t approach her and deliver an exhaustive autobiographical monologue. You would share just enough information to intrigue her. Cut the length of your profile in half. Think piquant. Think mysterious. Think that when you meet someone you really like, who really likes you, you will have plenty of time to discuss your hopes and dreams and favorite foods. You talk about long-term commitment. In theory, there is nothing wrong with being honest about what you’re looking for. In truth, there are a lot of women who are also looking for long-term commitment. But keeping in mind the idea that an online profile is like an initial introduction, bringing up a lifelong relationship as a goal on first (online) encounter might scare a lot of people. Omit your future plans here – if you and a potential partner have a future together, you will have plenty of time to bring it up. And finally. I don’t have details of the messages that you’re sending, but here are some things to consider. Who are the women that you’re writing to?

You don’t say, so just in case: if they specifically state that you are outside of their demographic preferences, don’t be surprised if you don’t hear back. “I’m special and different!” we all have thought, once in a while, and it’s true – but it’s also true that our specialness and differentness may be hard to convey through a dating app. You note that you make an effort to read women’s profiles and draft personalized messages; that’s great!

But don’t spend too much time over it. One personal question is cute and fun; a list of personal questions can feel like too much work. Remember, you’re just trying to start an exchange, not perform a discursive analysis of a woman’s entire profile. Think conversation starters, not an entire conversation. “Love is like baseball,” my grandpa used to say to me. “You can get some strikes; you only need one hit.” You don’t need 87 women to respond to you if you’re looking for a long-term relationship, as you say you are. You just need one good one. The 9 REAL Reasons Why He’s Not Replying To Your Dating Profile Message. I hate online dating, I really do. The reason I hate it so much is because there’s absolutely no way to tell how someone really is without meeting up with them. Guys who seem normal at the start turn horrid once you reject them. Others who seem a bit kooky end up being great dates. Simply put, it’s an infuriating grab bag of people, and it was bad enough for me to give it up. One of the worst things about the online dating scene is the sheer number of people who ghost you. Even not getting a reply to your message, as a girl, can be kind of jarring. This is doubly true if the guy in question seemed like a good match for you or seemed like he was interested. If you’re wondering why guys don't reply and what could be causing them to disappear from your messages, the following reasons may explain things away. This stuff pissed me off, because it stings being written off due to something like your physique. As much as I hate to say it, the dating game is very rigged in the favor of “hot” people, especially if you look female. Alas, this is dating and that’s why I don’t care to play the game anymore. Even so, would you really want to date a guy who can’t look beyond your appearance?

I sure as hell wouldn’t. Lord knows I’ve had my crazy moments in dating, but hasn’t everyone? If you’re noticing a pattern of guys ghosting, reread your messages and have a third party look over your profile. If it seems too aggressive, desperate, and depressed, then chances are he bailed because he was worried about how you’d react as a person. This is scarily common. Depending on the site, you might be seeing as many as 1 out of every 4 profiles being made by a guy who is actually in a serious relationship. Consider yourself lucky if this is the case. A lot of guys will only stop chatting on dating sites once they are in a legit, committed, labeled relationship. If you notice that his profile disappeared, it could be that he was done with it. It’s not fair to you, but it is what it is. 5. He may have realized that you want a relationship, but that he doesn’t want anything serious with you. Truthfully, this is both courteous and hurtful at the same time. A lot of guys, upon realizing that a girl won’t allow for anything less than a relationship with commitment, will ghost the girl. It’s the man’s way of shrugging and saying, “Eh, too much effort.” At the very least, he didn’t waste your time. Subscribe to our newsletter. Hey, it happens to all of us. Life gets in the way, you spend a week without checking your inbox, and BAM!

There’s a hottie. If you wait too long to reply, he’ll assume that you’re not interested and move on. After all, wouldn’t you do the same?

There’s nothing in the world that doesn’t say that guys don’t get fed up with online dating too. If a guy rage-quits Tinder or OkCupid, then you know what?

There’s nothing you can do to stop it. 8. He took too long to check his account and ended up realizing it’d be awkward to message you back. Yep, this is something that does happen. I know because I have seen guys do this when I tried to coach them on how to approach women. Don’t worry, it’s not on you. You can’t negotiate interest or attraction. You can’t sit there and tell him that he needs to be interested in you because, frankly, it doesn’t work. As bad as it is, you need to take the signal to move on. Online Dating 201: Why Women Don’t Respond. There’s a lot to love about online dating. You take the randomness out of trying to meet people, hoping that fate will guide you to THAT ONE SPOT you need to be AT THAT VERY SPECIFIC TIME in order to meet that special someone. If you have approach anxiety when it comes to meeting strangers in person, online dating gives you all the time you need to calm down and send that message. You can be as picky as you like, using various search functions and filters to ensure that you find that 5’9″ tall blonde Farsi speaking Zoroastrian of your dreams. You have total control over the impression you want to deliver, from that perfect photo to the charming and witty dating profile that captures and holds their attention. Of course, there’s nothing quite so frustrating when you put all of that effort into your profile and start sending out all of those messages… and get thunderous silence in return. In fact, that’s the reason why so many men1 quit online dating entirely; who wants to expend all of that emotional energy only to get kicked in the metaphorical nuts by that empty inbox every time you log in? Why the hell won’t people write back?

Well, to mangle an old saying: once is happenstance, twice is coincidence, three times means you’re doing something wrong. Sometimes you have to accept that you’re the only common denominator in all of those people you’re messaging. So it’s time to take a step back and take a hard look at what you may be doing that turns off your potential dates. It’s A Zombie Profile. She’s hot. She’s single. She hasn’t responded to a single email you ever sent… because you’ve been emailing a digital corpse. One of the risks (for suitably inflated values of “risk”) that you’re going to come across in the world of online dating is the dating site account that’s dead yet still shuffling around: the zombie profile. It looks for all the world like a normal account, but the person who owns it hasn’t logged on in over three months… and probably never will. Sending messages, winks, pokes, flowers or other signs of interest is the digital equivalent to ringing the doorbell of an abandoned house. You’re just wasting your time. Zombie profiles litter every dating service – especially ones that rely on paid subscriptions. They may have let their subscription lapse, but never went through the procedure of actually removing their account – something that many dating sites make as difficult as possible in order to artificially inflate their numbers. They may have set up the profile on a lark and forgot about it after moving on when some other social network caught their attention. They may have started dating somebody they met on that very site and just never got around to closing their account or editing their profile to indicate that they’re no longer on the market. Ultimately it doesn’t matter: they’re never going to respond to you, so you may as well quit worrying about ’em. How Do You Avoid This? Start filtering for activity level in your searches. Most dating sites allow you to add “Active Within $TIME” to any search string. If the owner of the profile hasn’t logged in within two weeks, the odds are good that you’re looking at a zombie profile. Don’t bother hoping that they’ll notice the “You have a new message!” email and log back in to see who’s been trying to reach them; odds are high that any such emails are either ignored, sent to the spam folder or deleted without being read in the first place. You may also want to watch out for active profiles by people who don’t actually spend the money to subscribe. Some dating sites will let you post your profile for free, but have to pay extra to actually send messages. These sorts of accounts will have unsubtle clues as to how to reach them elsewhere… and 9 times out of 10, they’re spammers anyway. Don’t waste your time. You Were Lost In The Churn. Online dating is a seller’s market when it comes to women; they’re going to have a far higher response rate to their profiles then men – most of them unsolicited. Some women will get 10 to 20 new messages per day on dating sites; some may get that many in an hour, especially if there’s a suggestion that she’s looking for sex. When you’re constantly being deluged by strangers wanting to get to know you naked, you’re likely to start paying less and less attention to the actual content of the email. After all, why bother when 99% of them are troglodytes who think that “Yo bitch” is a proper way to start an email or make the immediate leap to “I can’t wate to eat ur puzzy” are appropriate ways to approach a woman you don’t know. Hell, many of my female friends will delete emails – without reading them – based solely on the subject line because of the sheer volume of mail they receive. Odds are good that your email got lost in the churn of every other guy out there who was trying to get her attention as well… and suffered the same fate as all the others, consigned to the digital garbage bin. How Do You Avoid This? You need to make a point of standing out from the crowd. This means no generic usernames – UTexas09 or Portland77 – or inappropriate ones – anything involving the word Love, Luv or implying that you are the A+ number one master of orgasms. This also means that you need to have an attention-getting subject line to your messages. The most common subject line that women receive is a variation on “Hello”: Hey, Hi, ‘sup, Yo, how YOU doin’, etc. The second most common? “You’re pretty”. The third most common usually involves sex. Avoid all of these. If you want to keep her from automatically reaching for the delete button when your message hits her inbox, you need to grab her attention. A clever, attention-getting subject line – especially one that indicates you actually read her profile, is key. If she talks about sports, mention sports in the title. If you two have a mutual interest in books, put that in the subject!

Failing that, there’s always the Dadaist approach. I’ve always had good responses from “Pirates are inherently better than Ninjas” or “Zombies are superior to Vampires”. Almost never has anything to do with the message I send, but the WTF factor is often enough to at least get the email read … which is half of the battle right there. Why Girls Don’t Respond to Your Online Dating Messages. I’ve been contemplating this for a few days, and that spurred because of this blog entry that Belle Vierge of Finding My Virginity blog pointed out to me. If you don’t have time to check out the blog – basically, the blogger condones form letters. (There was a lot more to it than this.) Belle posted a comment referring readers here, and I had a back and forth with a gentleman regarding form letters. Guys – I will stick to this. you will have better luck (at least quality-wise) if you reference something in the girl’s profile. I get that not all girls give you stuff to work with, but there’s that quality thing again. This is known – girls get a lot more messages than you guys do. If she gets 20 messages daily that all say “Hey, how are you?” she has to do a lot of work to determine if she wants to respond or not. But I GUARANTEE you, if you send a message that says “Hey [username]!

I read that you are actively involved in community theatre. What was your favorite part to play?” and she doesn’t respond… it’s not because of your message. – She doesn’t think you are attractive. (Or your online dating photos are horrible. Seriously guys. a lot of you post photos that make you look like pedophiles.) – You wrote her a message at 3am, and normal people aren’t online sending messages at that time of night, so you are clearly weird. – Something that you couldn’t possibly know about is going on in her life and she just can’t be bothered with meeting new people, dating, or responding to anyone on the internet. (Like what? Family emergencies, work drama, her cat died.) I know it’s frustrating. I send out messages to guys I find attractive and don’t get responses, probably because I’m not a size 0. But wouldn’t you rather be someone who stands out than the “norm”? Share this: Like this: Related. 101 Responses to “Why Girls Don’t Respond to Your Online Dating Messages” If the guy is attractive, a woman will at the very least read his profile. It won’t matter that all he said was “Hi.” And if his profile is decent enough and she finds him attractive, she’ll respond. She just will. Sorry, but no woman is out there saying, “Well, he had a terrific profile and pictures and was really cute, but all he said was hello so I didn’t respond.” Any woman who is saying that is lying. The whole need for a personalized email is just a stupid hoop that women hold up waiting for people to jump through. It gives some false sense of security that the guy is genuinely interested. The gesture is empty and proves nothing other than most guys know what women expect so they do it because they know if they don’t they won’t get a response. I don’t condone sending form letters. Not at all. You’d know that if you read more than a couple of posts. What I condone is that people not be so quick to dismiss someone because they didn’t write some customized greeting. Here’s why: because they’re sending that same customized greeting to the other 5 people they’re emailing during that session. It’s not a sincere expression of interest. Therefore, why not just drop this rule and make it easier on yourself and the people writing those tedious messages. And really, what would women blog and tweet about if there weren’t all those “lame” emails being sent?

Even when the guy does ask a question based on her profile, if it doesn’t suit the woman’s detailed specifications of what’s interesting or appropriate, she’s putting the guy on blast. “If the guy is attractive, a woman will at the very least read his profile. It won’t matter that all he said was “Hi.” And if his profile is decent enough and she finds him attractive, she’ll respond.” This is true. But in my experience, which was only about 8 months actively using OKC, most of which was in France, the guys who sent me form letters also had horrible profiles. “I’m new to this, be easy on me… I don’t know what to say here… I’m kinda awkward but not… I spend Friday night with friends… Message me if you want!” Seriously, this was the gist of many many profiles. But a guy didn’t have to be attractive for me to respond to him. If he sent me a real message (a book recommendation was good enough), then I replied. Two out of the three guys I met in person in France, I did not find their pictures attractive. But they were funny and interesting, so I agreed to meet up with them on trips to Paris. If you’re hot enough that women respond to you without a good message OR good profile, you’re hot enough that you shouldn’t be using online dating to hook up. If you’re actually interested in a relationship, you need to make a little effort. And if you’re not that hot, then you need to make some sort of effort, period. That’s actually not true at all. When I was on dating sites if all I got was “Hi” or some obvious form letter I didn’t even look at the profile. The message was deleted immediately. I’m not and never was just looking for a pretty face. And if he can’t muster up something interesting and intelligent to say then we would never work anyway. The arrogance of that is a huge turnoff. Put forth some effort and be a man… a hunter. Wrong. If the introductory email says something incredibly egocentric, idiotic, sexist, or incredibly oversexual, 9 times out of 10, women will not reply. That’s not true. If a guy says only “Hi” to me, he can be the most attractive man in the world, and I’m not going to respond to him. He needs to prove that he has actually read my profile, and not just messaged my picture. Speak for yourself- I do that all the time. Even if he’s attractive- if he sends me a generic “Hi, how are you?” type message, I will not respond NO MATTER WHAT. He could look like a movie star and I still wouldn’t respond. Honestly. I don’t even look at their profile if all they say is “Hi” or “How are you?” I did ONCE, and responded. and later this guy used bible scripture as proof it’s okay to be a cheating bastard. Again – I am going for quality. If you can’t pick out ONE small thing in my profile to mention (and there’s lots.) I’m not going to waste my time. And, even if I am not interested in the person, if their message proves they took the time to read my profile – I always respond. — But, that’s just me. I understand that’s not the norm. And, even if I am not interested in the person, if their message proves they took the time to read my profile – I always respond. Good for you but too many don’t. Far too often I have sent a personalised email, referencing several things that we have in common and they don’t even bother to look at my profile. How much effort does it take just to look? Surely you can’t tell how interesting you are going to find somebody simply from a tiny little thumbnail of their main profile pic?

Plenty of men can write to your interests, but that wastes a lot of time to just get ignored anyway. You will probably go out of your way to find the next reason of why you dont like him. You nailed it I write about there interest ask them how they are ext you put the time in and you get nothing for your time. They are looking for the best deal and if your not with this and that good luck. I work full time have a car and am a very nice guy down to earth one time that was enough to get a date. Now you need to have a house and the whole nine yards before most of them will give you the time of day. Never mind the one’s that have been on there for months on end just for ego. Online dating is a sad sad place were people judge you by the cover and never get to know the real you about 99 percent of the time. I sometimes think that, given the imbalance in both quantity and quality of messages sent to women versus men, it might be better to bar men from messaging women at all unless they have been whitelisted (either explicitly, or implicitly by messaging him first). Probably wouldn’t work out in the long run, but I think it’d be a fun experiment for OkCupid to try for a week. I actually got a message from a small start up that’s trying out this concept. However, given it’s just starting, of course it needs members first. My only “ehh” with the idea is the number of profiles I’d have to go through, Welcome to the world of the average male on a dating site. You women claim you want equality, yet when you have to do the same thing we men have to do (Sort through countless profiles and send out messages that may or may not get a response) you refuse to even consider it. When you actually put in the time and effort to craft a personalized message and still don’t get a response, even a “No thanks”, you will be our equal. Joe – my comment was taken out of context. That was in response to a website idea that a woman would have to “whitelist” a guy before he can send a message. That is not equal as well. I would love to respond to all of your claims, but hate that it would probably be read by you with a snarky tone. Consider this an invitation to be a guest on my podcast tomorrow night (Wed, Aug 20 – 9pm central) to discuss. I am going to guess you haven’t listened before – I do have a male co-host who loves it when he can gang up on me. You’d be in good company. Let me know. Shoot me an email: soon2becatlady@gmail.com. P.S. This message took exactly one minute to compose and was a far more polite way to decline your offer than to simply ignore it. Women have no excuse. Joe – I am going to guess that we do not know each other in real life. I do often send no thank you when I’m not interested. I’m then told I’m fat. My opinion is: No one, either gender, is owed anything. I would guess you are frustrated with online dating- and honestly I am, too. That’s why I blog. To call out the bullshit. If you don’t want to do the podcast, that’s cool. Send me an email anyway – I’d love to have a voice to voice conversation (I’ll give you my number. Google voice) with you because I do think you are taking me the wrong way. That is very unfortunate that you would send a polite ” No thank you” only to have that individual bash you personally about your weight. Funny that your weight didn’t seem to be a factor when they initially messaged you, yet only became an issue when you politely rejected them. For some women who have actually taken the time to respond to me, there are individuals that I would rather not have replied at all. Seriously, it takes far less effort to say ” No thank you” than an intentionally hurtful comment or snipe. However, I don’t believe that I am taking you the wrong way. You say no one is owed anything but I disagree. We owe each other to be decent human beings. Things such as manners and common courtesy are part of the unwritten social contract. The same social contract that keeps the human race from descending into anarchy. Niceties such as ” Please”, “Thank You” and even “No Thank You” are things that separate us from the animals. I like the method of oasis.com which limits the qty of characters in a first message. If the person likes the profile they have to accept the contact request and the pair can then trade unlimited messages. if that person refuses, they cannot communicate at all (unless, I think, the person who rejected it later contacts the same person). I think that guys (and girls, for that matter) take everything SO personally. They assume that if they took the time to read the profile and send a personal message they are OWED a response… But, sometimes, the fact that they don’t get a response has NOTHING to do with them at all!

Heck, sometimes, I read a message and intend to respond, and then forget all about it until I get ANOTHER message that makes me go to my inbox. The only reason I didn’t respond is because I’m an airhead – Rendering all of that “she read it and she look at my profile” chatter null and void. I think you’re right but if somebody has taken the time to read my profile and send me a decent message I’d feel bad if I didn’t respond. Nobody is owed anything, agreed. But people get disillusioned with spending so much time being polite, courteous and funny and constructing a decent message only to have it deleted unread by a woman whose profile tends to start “I don’t get messages from decent men. ” Well, how would you know if you delete most of them without reading those messages or looking at the profiles?

Ugh, and I hate, hate, HATE people (men or women) who talk about the kinds of messages that they get in their profiles. Talk about yourself, talk about what you want. Don’t waste your time of the negativity of all of the things you hate. I was an A-lister on OKCupid. Two of the features I found most useful are the ability to see when pics were uploaded (so you can dismiss those whose most recent photographs are from 2007 but have captions “From last summer”) and you can see whether your email was read or not. The fact that I got no response and could see that it wasn’t read clearly meant that my messages were being deleted unread. But I just shrug and move on to the next one. Online dating is F-R-E-A-K-Y! But I must admit, I read THE funniest profile ever the other day. This guy had just this one sentence in his proifle: “I want a woman to treat me like a crime scene” … well, he was under 25 … I always felt it was bad form to message someone who visited your profile. I mean, message them, but don’t phrase the message like “oh, I noticed you were visiting my profile”. Don’t even mention they visited your profile in any way, really. It hints at like you’re now obliging them to respond to you because they clicked on your 75×75 pixel image randomly out of a list. I usually send messages to boys too ….and no one really replies and I noticed boys also only reply and send messages to girls with big breasts…… Breast size makes no difference to me personally, but I have been told by women that I’m a couple of inches shorter than the sort of man they would date. Many women are VERY picky about what kind of guy they like. They judge solely on your thumbnail picture and profile. If you are NOT her type, your message will get thrown in the trash can instantly. It doesn’t matter how nice, or intelligent, or how much chivalry and manners you have, whether or not you call your mom on mother’s day, Judging whether or not someone would be a good match on their looks and what they have is very shallow and superficial. The older women tend not to be this way. They have went through growing pains and learned that their stupid standards are not good for finding a decent person. Just forget about these types and not worry about it. The real cool, intelligent ones can look beyond the surface and see how great you really are. My comment was purely in response to Melissa about how shallow men are in that apparently – we only reply to big-breasted women. Gosh, I should have come here before trying to figure all this out on my own. I am on a site that tells you if your message has been read and or deleted, and I confess I find it offensive when someone deletes my message unread…it’s because they’ve looked at my profile and written me off. I’d prefer to just not know, and chalk it up to all the potential reasons everyone has above. But, if all a guy says is “hi”, or “hey” or any derivation of that, I do delete it…because I’d like a least a sentence…no matter how hot they might be. I don’t think so…or if you pay (which I did) to be able to send messages, it’s included. The site is actually pretty transparent. It also tells you when the person was last online, if they have viewed your profile, shows message history, etc… I’m not sure I like that!!

I do find it annoying to know that someone who has been texting emailing me is online and then not contacting me. Or that someone who I’ve emailed hasn’t bothered to look at my profile. Oh well…I will get used to it I guess! Ot Well they should at least tell you that they are not interested. Its not that hard. Seriously I put in some time to send a woman a message and I don’t even get a response. All they have to do is tell me they’re not interested. I did that for a little while, but I found that not only does it feel needlessly cruel, it also opens the door to a conversation I don’t want to be having. There is no need for me to respond and say “No thanks” because then I run the risk of getting a “But why…?” or “Please give me a chance” or “All women are bitches” type of reply. Also, I got upwards of 80 messages a day. I didn’t have the TIME to respond to them all, especially not the ones I knew I wasn’t compatible with. I just deleted all of my online dating profiles. Why? Because I’m part of the legions of men women consider ‘undesirable’ because they don’t have the requisite six feet of physical stature, movie-star looks or lots of money. Add in the scads of women who use OLD just to get an ego boost. plus the bazillions of single mothers looking for a walking, talking bank machine, the women who are damaged and have mental problems, and the constant, never-ending rejection from women who are legends in their own minds and who think they are too good for 99.99% of the men out there, you have something that is a colossal waste of time and money and, as an added bonus, shreds your self-esteem. mmed up, OLD works for women. It’s hugely profitable for the operators of online dating sites. It’s a net loss for average guys. I don’t know…I’m think I’m above average looking, young, fit, etc. I write detailed thoughtful messages. My profile is well read. I really don’t know what the problem is. It is hard to meet people in real life where I am. I wish I figure it out. It is beyond frusterating. I get one or two messages a few times and then nothing (I get viewed most times). I went out with one girl who was psychotic (I tried to be as open minded as possible) and just couldn’t do it. She was so smug about getting HUNDREDS of messages a DAY. I really wish someone could help me with what I’m doing wrong. It sucks. Even though after seeing your 3rd picture, it’s pretty easy to figure out which one you are. It’s probably best to pitch the group photos and get more pics of just yourself. Or at least indicate in the comments which one you are. Your profile is way too generic and short. You need more detail. No one interested could really start a conversation with you based on what you have in your profile. Lastly, self proclaiming yourself as sexy is a little risky. I get that it’s a joke… but…. ehh, I’d get rid of it. Pick another S word. I updated my profile aside from the pictures, due to technological issues haha. But if you could check it out, I’d be grateful. I don’t know why other people don’t ask you either. Certainly couldn’t hurt getting feedback. I’ll give this a go, too. First of all, your profit pictures are not great. The only one with you alone is at a weird angle. And your main one is the worst of the bunch – not flattering at all. Get a friend to take some pictures of you alone in a few different places with good lighting. As for your written profile, the very first thing that jumps out at me is that you mention video games four times. Four. That is a huge red flag to me. It makes it seem like you are a man child who sits around playing video games and accomplishing nothing all day, and would likely ignore a partner in favor of fantasy. That may not be true, and it is probably incredibly unfair, but unless you are hoping for a serious gamer most women will be turned off by that. Also, in what amounts to a very short profile (only 177 words), you repeat yourself far too much. If I get bored reading your profile, I’m not likely to give you a shot in person. Here’s a tip: Your profile is not designed to be the quickest, shortest list you can make to answer the prompt. Those sections are there to allow you the opportunity to elaborate on yourself and your life, and say something interesting. Write in complete sentences, please!

If you’re goofy, don’t just tell me that – let me decide that for myself based on your content. You have to have a thick skin to try online dating. From a man’s point of view, there are some women that can be inconsiderate. So it certainly goes both ways. I had a woman send me an email that said “I think you have great personality”. Alright, so there’s her opener to me: short and polite. Ok, so she’s missing a word, let’s let it slide 😉 I respond accordingly with a few sentences; her reply is short again that she’s not too sure about this website. Odd response considering she initiated. e on – she initiated, at least show your interest by trying to have a conversation. I think for some people, they are just passing time online before putting the kids to bed. That’s my guess. So take these dating sites with a grain of salt. Well, I certainly feel a lot better knowing that the complete lack of responses are not due to my not so cleverly worded door opener regardless of how brilliant or funny I think it may be and are really due to the fact that I may look like a molester. So, the pics with me holding up large bags of candy need to be removed ASAP?

I see you have been the official surveyor (or savior) of the profiles of others; care to have a go at another?

I posted my Match name on Up and At ‘Em’s Twitter account (and would give it to you) offering to allow Ben to feel better by reading mine on air showing he is not the only seemingly hopeless and clueless guy out there and allowing Stephanie or the guys to comment…care to take a shot? I am open to critiques and even some laughs at my own expense or a blog entry or…?

Though I do wonder how long it will take women to realize that complaining about that makes you seem elitist and out of touch to the average man. That would be like me, a White American male, complaining to a starving Ethiopian that I have too much food. I would agree that I complain that more than one would think (even more than I blog about) I am treated as nothing more than a potential romp. How dare I want something real? You may want something real and thsts great, but Joe’s complain still remains valid. You are still essentially complaining to a somalian that you have a ton of rice but you want filet mignon. That somalian is still hungry and now hates america. Thanks. I am unable to reply on your last comment. But- any further opinion will be stated on tomorrow’s podcast. I hope you tune in. Feel free to call in if you are so inclined. =) It’s because 999/1000 women are shallow and materialistic. Personally I view the profiles of the girls who would be considered by most as objectively ‘attractive’ and then don’t message them. About 25% of the time I get a message from them asking why I didn’t message them. I find it hilarious how narcissistic women on there are, and it amuses me that I get a message from them when I wouldn’t have got a reply if I HAD messaged them. I do hope it made them feel insecure, it’s all they deserve for being so far up their own a.r.s.e.s. I’d rather die single than have to spend 30 mins stuck chatting to the shallow bints in a bar. If I ever send a “You didn’t message me!” Its a way of saying I am interested. (However, I usually follow it up with a topic starter question.) Most guys are shallow, too. I hope all the stuck up twats on OKCUPID and POF die. They never respond to any messages and I want to put ’em in a boat and push it to the middle of the ocean and watch em drown. Than there will be plenty of bitches in the ocean for the sharks to have and those bitches won’t be able to reject and ignore. Hold up, though. Even if it doesn’t happen overnight, you shouldn’t take out your frustration on a stranger who has done nothing wrong!

This is very reassuring. It makes me feel like less of a failure and that all those dozens of carefully written first messages were only wasted on women that don’t find me attractive/don’t exist/are forgetful. That is what piss’s me of. You take the time to think and write a nice message and it’s like oh look this guy sent me a message how dare he I am looking at a better man he just will not get nothing back that will fix him. Hmm. I send out nothing but personalized emails, am not ugly as far as I can realistically tell, and can’t find other reasons why she wouldn’t respond. I’d say the who answer is spot on. I’m just another guy she can pass up to say she did that and find someone else with her newfound stuck upness. I really don’t understand it past that after sending so many respectful, content driven messages. ego answer, that is. I met 49 out f their 50 criterion. Just not good enough. I think that’s disgusting and I don’t treat women like that AT ALL. Truth be told, Feminism has destroyed the dating scene, most women nowadays make men resent them period. Now most of the females (Online Dating Playas) don’t need to be on a website to begin with to get a date, remember when online dating use to be a awkward thing back in the days? Now it’s the new norm and smart phones didn’t help it much either (Selfie = Narcissism) I truly think if a woman can have an quick assumption about a man based on his photos instead of his inner being (Essence) then that tells you what kind of individual she really is after all. If women follow the same thing like others do like a damn school of fish then she’s not an individual at all. It’s only fair if women get off from their lazy asses on their pedestals and be initiative back to respond like men do! Remember, We’re all equals right? “Truth be told, Feminism has destroyed the dating scene,” I tend to support this supposition. My experiences have been mixed with regard to this and I want to believe that dating has changed and lay the blame at postmodern feminism. “Who pays?” “Do I open the doors, do I compliment her on how she looks?” These are all are questions I find I have which seems to lend credence to the idea that it has changed or at least clouded the issue but in truth, these are questions I make up in my mind to lend support to my idea that dating has changed due to the rise of feminism to cover for my own fears that I will be rejected or belittled because of how I feel or what I do and it is that fear and how I act because of it that brings about exactly what I don’t want which is being alone and feeling lonely. The next supposition of, “most women nowadays make men resent them period,” I disagree with completely. You had me and I was hoping to see a statement I could support that expanded the first premise but if you resent someone it is (contrary to popular belief) 100% your choice and on you. Giving you the benefit of the doubt, yes, the woman may have done something that was less than cordial but your reaction to that event and how you think of it is wholly on you and no one can “make” you resent them. Calling a woman who for reasons all her own chooses online dating over other forms of dating (bars…) a “playa” seems at best childish because she may make a choice other than you and smacks of anger in perhaps not being chosen. As someone who is in recovery and doesn’t do the typical bar scene and who knows 100s of women who don’t either, it would seem that the initial process of online dating is both safer, may fit with her social needs and on a time line conducive with her schedule. Despite my lack of success, if it weren’t for online dating I am not sure I would much possibility to date (bit that too is really a choice). A selfie is narcissism?

I agree it can be and often may seem the case but in reality is no more so than asking someone else to take a picture of you to put your best look forward or writing complimentary things about yourself to attract the attention of others. As far as the judgement of simply looking at a picture versus the inner essence of a person she may be inclined to pick a perspective date, when was the last time you went up to a person who you felt was unattractive physically and asked to get to know them so you could bask in their inner beauty which you have not yet seen? Isn’t the idea of getting to know them to learn more of the depths of them? If your answer is (as I fully suspect) that you have never done it, then it actually seems to say more about you in this judgment than them. The facts are that 99% of us are first attracted to someone we don’t know by something physical but as you stated, once you get past that it is and should be about their inner self or essence. The funny thing about the idea of being an individual is that beyond the physical self, there really are no individuals, we all tend to gather together in groups that help us feel something and is there really something noble about individuality over a group? “It’s only fair if women get off from their lazy asses on their pedestals and be initiative back to respond like men do!” This hardly paints a flattering picture of how you view women or of yourself and it may well be in this very sentence that helps you find a way to change your perspective and luck. If women respond like men do… how is that? You are a man, look at your own response. Should they respond like men do with negativity, put downs and attacks?

As a man who used to whine about many of the issues you have raised here (and still may from time to time) I understand where you are coming from but I’d bet your story isn’t accurate and because of it you seem to have developed a negative outlook that is getting in the way of enjoying yourself. I have given you a gift and a way to see past what you see now, the question is will you look at the negative and think I am attacking you or will you look to where I am showing you a mistake that can be corrected and changed for the better?

Search. How do I write a successful message?

Why aren’t people replying to my messages? Why is my inbox full of messages that have nothing to say? How do I attract people I actually want to date? The cliché is that women get a ton of messages. From my personal experience, that is true. I get a lot of messages, but I have no interest in 90% of them. The majority are boring, clearly copy/pasted, and do absolutely nothing to start a conversation. In the online world “You’re so beautiful” makes me roll my eyes and assume you type the same thing into every message box. Sad, isn’t it?

I only respond to messages that show the person read my profile. It seems simple but so few people actually do it!

Want to know why I don’t reply to 90% of messages I receive?

I won’t just tell you, I’ll show you, with examples from my very own inbox: The following are all actual messages from my OKCupid inbox. User names and photos have been edited out to protect the innocent because I’m not a total bitch. 1. Your message is my first impression of you. 2. The double whammy of boring AND partial to inappropriate pet names! 3. If you don’t have the time to type out 3-letter words, you certainly don’t have the time to date me. 4. Small Talk. I hate small talk but I understand it’s a necessity of modern interaction. Fine. Cliché small talk? I’m sorry. I can’t. I’m too bored. 5. You talk about the weather. 6. Sense of humor is very important to me and OMFG I HATE yours. 7. You objectify the shit out of me. 8. You wear your male privilege on your sleeve. GROSS. 9. It sounds like you copy/pasted your message off a site, “ Online Dating Messages That Really Get Results! “ 10. I’m never falling for a cheap trick again. 11. You live in New Jersey. It’s hard enough to date someone who lives in a different borough of NYC!

Someone out-of-state?

Maybe if you’re hilarious, gorgeous, AND bake macarons. 12. My CREEP METER is set off. If I don’t reply to your message once, it is possible it just got lost in the shuffle. So trying one more time won’t automatically get you a CREEP label. But trying THREE times with no response?

And targeting me when I’m online?

YUCK. 13. You’re obviously a devout hipster. 14. If I can tell you only looked at my pictures. 15. If you’re not smiling in any of your pictures I assume you take yourself too seriously. 16. You’re a completely inappropriate age for me. Now if you demonstrate a great sense of humor and that we have things in common, I might entertain the “age is only a number” cliché. Otherwise NEXT. 17. Also this cliché: I’M NOT HERE TO MAKE FRIENDS. 18. As I read your message, Shania Twain’s “That Don’t Impress Me Much” grows louder and louder in my head. 19. I’m an only child. I’ll never be okay with a poem you copy and paste to me and hundreds of other girls because I’M SPECIAL, DAMN IT. If you want responses to messages REFRAIN FROM ALL OF THE ABOVE. Should be easy! There’s also not so secret Reason #20: I’m just not attracted to you. Not much you can do about that. BUT a good message can make a person so much more attractive, I’m not kidding!

So what messages do I respond to?

Ones that have a personal touch. Ones that are too specific to be copy/pasted to the entirety of the online world. They mention something from the profile I took the time to create: a favorite movie (so easy!), or that I like making pizza from scratch, or that “I’m very expensive” (you gotta read the post all about that one). It’s also great to ask a question at the end of your message- this starts a conversation and gives something to respond to. You might think I’m too picky, that I put too much emphasis on a first message. Maybe you love Tinder and I hate it. I find generic, copy/pasted messages to be the epitome of DULL. To be dramatic: I would sooner die alone than be boring (#actress). While I’d like the person I date to perhaps be less dramatic than I, I think they need to be similarly minded on this. Is that stupid? Is it too much to ask? Would you reply to any of the messages above? What do you think a first message should say?

Why don’t YOU respond to online dating messages?

I’d love to hear your thoughts! Share this: Related. About New York Cliche. NYC lifestyle blog by Mary Lane. Events, adventures, epic mistakes, dating, life, humor. A 30-something trying to make it (and make out) in the city of dreams. View all posts by New York Cliche. 43 thoughts on “ 19 Reasons I Didn’t Reply to Your Online Dating Message ” But also…really good advice. I cannot stress enough to dudes that if you’re generally not terrible, put in effort, and just try to be genuine how easy it is to date online. Love this post – so true! I remember some of the messages I would get when online dating and would instantly cringe. What is wrong with men. x. LOL this is so funny. I flagged this to read the other day and finally got around to it. The sad thing if I recognize a good portion of these messages from my own account on Match! I wrote about that recently (but after reading your take I guess I should take out the usernames, oops)!

singlestrides.com/my-match-com-membership/ — also, really glad I read this because I haven’t seen #10 yet but would totally fall for it. Brilliantly written, applaud for the writer, but readers watch out, there are some scammers as well in online dating, make sure to identify them, www.streetarticles.com/dating/10-best-ways-to-check-online-dating-profiles-genuine-or-not, given here are the best ways to identify non-genuine dating profiles. I meant no offense by that comment. It’s just that you are extremely picky. I’ve never seen anyone that picky!

At first I thought you were just trying to be funny. Finding out there is someone that picky makes one think. A few things come to mind: You are cute and all but men want more than a cute face. Being that pick may be considered a character flaw. No one is good for you?

That is the first impression readers get. Plus you must look at your own flaws too. You are what? In your mid-30’s?

Late 30s? If by now you haven’t found someone what does that say about you?

You can’t blame it on the men you date. As I write this I realize you’re not just picky,you are an obnoxious little bitch. And I changed my mind: I do mean it all as an offense. I second to everything she said. She is NOT picky!! It’s someone you are going to spend your life with. Thru thick and thin. Yes we want interesting and genuine mate. If your message is rinky-dink, it means I am not worthy of ur time and I’m not “it”. I’m not the girl that stood out of all. I certainly will not waste my time on you. She is not bitch!

Bravo to her she will not settle for less. Lifetime mate = invest time!!

Mediocre messages = delete message bec I’m not worth ur time to invest your message to me, no passion, and I’m not it! Also it’s her decision to do this method. You entitle to yours. Date someone with mediocre message = boring relationship. A sure fire to failure. Leave this lady alone. Dude’s got no game. I know it’s not easy to approach anyone online, or in person, but some of those above are damn pathetic. The sad part is that “I’m in the medical field,” or “Nice place in Soho,” would probably impress some, and then promptly have them ending up in someone’s basement and or fridge. We are so on the same page! I was reading all of this and just nodding my head because it’s so true and I feel the same way. Honestly the first message is the first impression!

Ask me some questions you have after seeing and reading my profile. It shouldn’t be that hard. Yet here we are, still dealing with these idiots. Though online dating is an easy way to get the significant others today, it can be too much frustrating too. As you have mentioned in the blog, many women like you receive these kind of messages from hundreds of online dating profiles. Everyone tries to impress. But from them, some are genuine, and some people try to cheat. Like the use of online dating is increasing, catfishing is also increasing at the same pace. However, if you try to perform a Background check on your online dating partner, you can know his background details and keep yourself out of danger. www.dateprotecther.com/ I understand women wanting an original message, but in the world of dating, it’s typical for men to make the first move. In a perfect world, the first woman we contact with a perfectly crated personal message is totally receptive, and we have no need to explore other options. For those who are no so lucky, multiple approaches need to be made, so it gets way too time consuming typing dozens of messages… hence the advent of copy and paste. No offense ladies! Im with Marcelo on this one. You are way to picky and this is awful advice and its horrible that your spreading this to others. Its a huge list of things you DONT like and about 2 sentences of what gets your attention. I would love to have women send me messages like those you so desperately avoid, but women dont have what it takes to put themselves on the chopping block like we do. When you say “have a personal touch”, has it ever occurred to you that these are in fact personal touches? Guys have to write hundreds of messages in hopes to get just 1 reply, while you sit back and sift through your callers. How are men supposed to create hundreds of ways to get the attention of women that most likely wont even read the message they thoughtfully created without looking “copy and pasted”?

You can only dangle that carrot full hope for so long before the animal loses interest all togeather. I agree, Andrew. As an aside, I was sort of OK reading this article until the “male privilege” reference. That turned me off immediately. If someone says hi how are you, you say good and ask them how they are. Small talk leads to deeper conversation. If you ever actually gave one of these guys a try, you might find yourself pleasantly surprised. Or you can continue to ignore them, lowering their self esteem and leaving yourself lonely. After reading the comments I realized this was just a rant from some old bitter woman. Hey do the internet a favor and write it in your diary and not publicly. You’re helping no one with this post, only spreading hate and sexism. I hope you’re ashamed of yourself. Here’s the thing though. From a guy’s perspective it is a numbers game. We don’t have an inbox full of messages and women are way pickier than men are. I write handcrafted messages and still get maybe 10% that respond, which often respond with bullshit lame one liners and all the same stuff you talk about from the dudes. I write poetry and so some days I’ll read profiles and write cute custom limericks or poems based on what I read – does it help? Not one iota. So where’s the value in putting in that time? Why would I do such a thing when I get the same response rate by cutting and pasting? I’ve come to the conclusion that 90% of the population have serious issues anyway. They drink too much, or use drugs or have mental illness or money problems or are conceited or have low intelligence or are high maintenance or never seem to show up. I’m not interested in these people anyway so do I really care that they don’t respond? No. Hence it is a numbers game. Whenever I look at a woman’s profile, and then if I want to write a message, I make sure that I reference something in her profile and/or pull something out that isn’t readily apparent. And I still get no responses. And no, I am not the hottest guy in town. So I take your advice with a grain of salt. Because I know I could always read a different article on how to get responses from women and get totally different advice. Not into “mixed messages” (pun intended), sorry. No, this is not misogyny. Misogyny is hatred. What I am expressing here is frustration. Unfortunately, I doubt you’ll be able to see past yourself to realize that. My main issue is that guys don’t want to take the first step and reach out!

Or they message me with weird questions like “you like cosplay? Soooo is that in the bedroom too?” “19 reasons I didn’t respond to your online dating message.” NINETEEN. Three or four is understandable but nineteen is an exorbitant number of parameters and requirements. I doubt anyone will/could write to you without violating at least one of your by-laws. There’s one female responder up there that gives a link where you can do a background check on us. So in addition to the 19 rules of engagement, we are also required to withstand the rigors of sustained scrutiny in the form of a background check?

GEEZ, just when you think it couldn’t possibly get any worse… I’ve tried Zoosk and OK Cupid and get zero response from any girl I’m interested in. I understand times are tough and some girls might be unable to pay, especially if they’re raising their children alone so I paid extra on Zoosk so anyone could read messages I send and respond even if they aren’t a paying member—nothing. I make it a point to mention something from her profile and even ask questions—nothing. So why write out a heartfelt paragraph when a little emoticon has the same chance of getting a response? Now, let it be known that I’m not a male model but I’m not the elephant man either (No offense intended to the elephant man) I can carry on an intelligent conversation and I’ve been told countless times that I look just like Triple H (a wrestler) when he had long hair. I’ve even had waitresses ask if I would make a few pics with them. So this shindig is utterly impossible to figure out. I should get a response at least ONCE—nothing. So, in conclusion, I’ve come to the realization that most women on these sites just want to see how much attention they can garner and have no interest of finding this honest, loyal, gentleman they paint a portrait of in their profile. Most are probably already in a relationship anyway. There comes a point where eventually you give the dating site and everyone on it the long finger and walk. I’m lacing up my boots as we speak. As a woman, I did find this list was picky. I thought she sounds like a girl who’s always got a ton of men hanging around and thinks she can pick the best without giving much back. Thats just how she comes across, whatever she’s really like. Guys, you don’t know, and neither do i, so no snap judgements please. I do think women should have standards, but not if we don’t give guys a chance.But guys, women have to be at least a little picky. Just like you do. And keep in mind a guy can knock a girl up and theres no guarantees he won’t run for the hills when he finds out, leaving us to deal with stuff alone. We’re not in highschool, but it still happens. A girl has to feel more secure with who her partner is. In every way, not just the above reason. So yeah, we try to avoid those who look like creeps, those who seem like players or whatever else. I do think we sometimes ‘overlook’ a good guy who maybe used his words wrong without realizing it or whatever, though. Also, not all girls are this picky. If she’s not responding, she’s either not attracted (to your pic and/or words) or shes too picky. So move on. Personally, I’d rather meet a person irl and by being friends first. you all complain of being lonely when you ladies are hard nuts to crack for somebody to text you he saw something be a little bit considerate. I agree with all of these except the first one. No offense ladies, but 90% of your profile descriptions are so basic it’s hard not to just send out a generic “Hi, how are you?”. And what’s so horrible about that? News flash, it’s how polite and considerate people converse in the real world when they first meet. So you receive a message like that? It takes 5 seconds to look at their pictures to determine if you’re attracted to them or not. For the select few who make it past that point, it takes 20 seconds to read their profile description to determine whether they actually are boring or not. Y’all need to get real. A lot of attractive girls out there complain about not being able to meet a “nice” guy and at the same time are absurdly judgmental of a guy who’s first utterances to them are “Hi, how are you?”. The demand for immediate amusement from an initial dating app text message is emblematic of our generation’s social problems. But for real, “What a boring loser! Asking me how I’m doing!

How dare he waste my time with such a thoughtless question. Didn’t he read my profile? It clearly states that I like animals, traveling, hanging and going out with my friends, music, so and so books and movies, and that I’m fun and easy going. How could he not mention any of those things in his message??” Ha!

Nail on the head bub! You’re spot on- I’ve read so many carbon copied profiles I’ve lost count. If you don’t want cliche, avoid it in the first place. This guy just described 90+% of women’s profile out there. “Fun, easy going girl who likes to travel seeks loyal, kind, attractive gentleman”. What do we do with all that blandness- you cat turn a sow’s ear into a silk purse. Really? You like travel?

Who the f@& k doesn’t?! Messaged a woman once who said she like to travel(everyone does), asked her what her dream vacation was. She responded with one word “Ireland” I didn’t reply back, not worth my effort if you’re going to respond with one word. Why did you even respond in the first place seriously… As a woman, you should make a fake male online account and learn how difficult the opposing perspective can be. Bt dubz, instead of harping on the negs, tell us clueless guys what you do like. Can you give 19 examples of that? These are the kind of women who Ia am glad don’t respond to my messages in all honesty. Who the heck wants to deal with this type of woman’s mental issues?

Its difficult to craft so many funny/witty messages & never recv a reply. Grow the fuck up bimbo. She certainly is an only child-listen “honey”, the guy you find will be such a fawning sycophant he’ll disgust you with his utter obsequiousness. Later you’ll find he’s sterile as he is a eunuch. Be careful what you ask for… Any man who takes the time to write you a sonnet referencing your cliche profile is either: A. Not a man B. A master manipulator Machiavelli would be proud of. You deserve both-enjoy. She’s definitely a narcissistic sociopath. See how much prejudice she has for such small things online(how much info she thinks she gets from one simple message), now think about prejudices in her real social life; an egocentric person full of hatred. Don’t waste your time with online dating. Most women there don’t care about communication or connection; all they want to see is how many men they can attract. It’s similar to trying to have more likes in social media. Thanks to solipsistic, selfish ideologies; we now only have attention/popularity seeking simpletons (men and women). I get it ladies you have some struggles out there and there’s a strange dynamic that causes this problem. Just realize that on the opposite side of this coin that guys have a struggle as well. It’s really hard to come across as genuine, non-aggressive, properly assertive, clever/intelligent, fun and all of the other qualities you want in an online profile in tandem with a message. I’ve put a good amount of effort in order to walk this tightrope walk in conversation and still ignored. So as much as I’d like to sympathize I’d say you reap what you sow sometimes. Don’t be a bitch. What are men supposed to say? Even when we ask questions about your profile or come up with something Clever you just give us the cold shoulder. Just remember we are the ones stepping up to the plate to initiate a conversation. You think there is something wrong with men but in reality the women of today are lost in social media. Not one piece in this article gave any decent advice it was mostly just a dating app message rant about how you are not willing to respond like a normal human. The majority of women on dating apps are just there for the dopamine hit they get when someone likes them. I have better luck with dating out in the real world face to face where the opposite sex has an obligation to respond to avoid acting like a weird too good for anyone snob. I read a lot of frustration here guys. I get it. I’ve been where you’re at. I think the problem is that the target audience of the article is women. However the title of the article clearly drew us guys looking for advice that left us hanging, empty handed, and a shocked look on our face. The reality is that you probably swipe left on 20 girls before one grabs your attention. Well guess what, that same girl is getting a message from 20 guys. That’s what you’re competing with. re some of the girls do it for validation. I mean some of these gals are drop dead gorgeous. You sometimes wonder why they don’t have plenty of options offline. You have to understand that if you got 25 messages a day you’re going to cherry pick the hell out of them. Thats almost 200 a week. Every week. Just how many dates are you going to go on. Yeah some of us have a lot if confidence, are funny, wonderful people but you can’t take it personally with those odds. I mean if you get a response at all, ever, you’re doing pretty good. The odds are so stacked against you. As far as wishing you got 25 messages a day, be careful what you wish for Don’t you think it might be a little intimidating because you’re going to be dealing with the bell curve of a society that can have some pretty strange MFs. The validation game can be addicting as well and if you’re not careful it will fuck you up just like any other vice. Lastly, online dating is a little chickenshit and introverted. Where’s the skin in the game, really?

It’s far easier to send a random stranger a few lines of well thought out text through cyberspace than it is to grow a set of balls and try to start a conversation with a girl in real life and see where it goes. That courage is what impresses women. But if you insist on staying online and being a victim to the dating app entrepreneurs who are preying on your weakness and your wallet, invest in some professional pictures of yourself and improve your odds. As for me, the odds are better in the real world, despite the fact that I need to lipread, and everyday is Halloween. No one answers my dating profile. What am I doing wrong?

Swipe Right is our advice column that tackles the tricky world of online dating. This week: how to handle matches whose interest fizzles. Dear Eva, I can’t seem to get anywhere with these dating apps and websites. I get matches but most of them don’t contact me, respond when I contact them, or they unmatch me. I’ve been played, stood up, had guys express keen interest and then fall off the radar. Or I get a lot of offers for hook-ups. The whole time, I get the feeling they’re passing me up for a better option, or only consider me good enough for casual sex. The last guy I chatted with was keen, talked with me for over an hour on the phone after over a day of messaging. He asked me out and then fell off the radar. I could see from the app he resumed activity. I have other friends who succeed in finding guys who actually engage with them and date. What am I doing wrong?

I’m 39 and not getting any younger. I’m at the point now of giving up on dating altogether and accepting I’m just going to end up on my own. First, foremost, you need to know this: it’s not about you. Yes, it may feel like it’s about you! After all, you are the common factor in these interactions. But how can it be about you, really, when these fickle fellows don’t know you beyond a few brief exchanges or a single phone call?

It can’t: they’re not basing their decisions on anything beyond the most superficial impressions. And do you want to spend the rest of your life with someone who judges you in a superficial way?

Take the guy who disappeared after your phone call and then continued to use the app: he could have decided that your intonation reminded him too much of a girl who broke his heart in ninth grade. He could have had a night of passion with his boss and then when that didn’t work out, decided he’d left it too long to get back in touch with you. He could be a person who enjoys talking to women he meets through dating apps but not actually meeting up with them (ugh). None of these are factors you are able to influence or overcome. None of these are factors you should worry about: they are his problems, not yours. Bottom line: online dating is exhausting enough without spending energy on trying to figure out the weird motivations of stranger. If you’re doing anything wrong, it’s that. Onwards!

I, too, know the frustration of feeling like I’m not getting contacted by the right people, or that the right people aren’t responding to me, but I take that as an opportunity to keep looking, rather than evidence of something wrong with me. For many, it’s a very leaned-back experience: we swipe away while we’re waiting to unload the dishwasher or in line at the supermarket, and when something more pressing comes up – a broken glass, a hot supermarket cashier – we let it slide. To make it work, you need to train yourself not to see every little rejection as a personal affront (I know, this isn’t easy; it took me a while) and instead to think of each man who falls by the wayside as clearing the way for another, better opportunity. You’ve mentioned that your friends have been more successful at online dating than you: what is your measure of success?

If you can adjust this measure from “not ending up alone” to “having coffee with a man I don’t loathe” or “telling some of my best jokes to a stranger over text message and having him respond with a LOL”, you may feel more like you’re winning. Online dating is an unusual game in that a definitive victory may mean not having to do it any more, but in the meantime there can also be pleasure in the playing of the game if it can be about meeting new people, learning new things about yourself (you like southern accents, you don’t mind hoppy beers), and not feeling like your greatest life hopes are dashed every time you meet a person who’s kind of lame. Lame strangers have no right to dash your hopes. Don’t let them. The Melody of Melanin. Finding Harmony Within Your Skin. 5 Reasons Women Aren’t Responding to You on Dating Apps. I’ve about had it, up to here, with the absolute tragic performance by some men in trying to win over women on dating apps like Tinder, OkCupid, and Soul Swipe. A lot of men don’t even realize that what they’re doing is obliterating their chances at getting the most desirable women to respond. 1. Your First Message to Her is Too F ing Boring: What’s going to happen is you’re going to say, “Hey,” and chances are, your match will already spot that this conversation is going to drag like a dead elephant, and she won’t respond. What You Should Do to Get Women to Respond : Always, ALWAYS, ALWAYS open up with a question!

That’s it. It’s just that simple. Physically, you can be as ugly as ugly can be, but that doesn’t matter because people are just naturally drawn to respond to questions. You can be a sleazeball, think of ONE engaging, intriguing question, and copy and paste it as an opener for every match. It’ll work, but it’s not recommended – kind of a slimey move and there’s a small chance you might get caught (Trust me, I’ve seen it happen). 2. Never Ask ‘What Are You Doing?” or “What Are You Up To?”: Now that you know how to open, you need to know how to maintain and uphold the conversation. And that includes never, ever, EVER ask, “what are you doing?” Or “what are you up to?” What the F do you think she’s doing?

She’s on Tinder messaging you!

Chances are, she’s not doing anything remotely interesting to drum up an engaging conversation. The problem with the “WYD” question is that you’re losing control of the conversation. She could give fun answer, but she could also offer a very mundane one, too. If she says, “Oh, I’m just chillin’.” You’re f ed. How do you even respond to that and keep the conversation going at the same time?

Another problem with the “WYD” question?

The woman knows that her answer can influence how engaging the conversation will be, and so she might feel pressured to exaggerate or fib to make herself look more interesting. WHAT YOU SHOULD DO TO GET WOMEN TO RESPOND : Stimulate her mind by asking her questions like, “If you could go back 10 years into the past, what is something you would tell yourself?” The reason these questions work is because it allows her to think about the past lessons she’s learned (how far she’s come) and also daydream about having a successful future, which puts her in a happier mood, and the fact that you put her in high spirits means she’s far more likely to keep talking to you. 3. NOT COMPLETING YOUR PROFILE. If you at least said something like, “I skateboard every weekend, I love tacos, I’m ashamed to say that I love reality TV shows,” women are going to have something to bounce questions off of. Many men may not give a f to read a profile, but guess what, a lot of women DO!

If you haven’t noticed, women are not just interested in looks – they also want to know what makes you tick. WHAT YOU SHOULD DO TO GET WOMEN TO RESPOND. If your profile is too short, women will think that you apply this unmotivated attitude to other arenas of your life too, including the bedroom. And we don’t want that!

If your profile is way too long, women will think you’re a nutcase. It’s always the crazy ones that have a profile that could rival the Bible in size. Find a healthy medium. Take the 15 minutes to write a decent profile – it’s a worthy investment since you’ll find that more women will not only respond to you, but also send the first message. 4. Your Profile Picture Sucks!

Your face is not being shown Just a picture of your abs, again, with your face cut off A picture with you and another girl A picture of you with a group of women A picture that’s overly edited that makes you look cartoonish and ridiculous A picture with you and your man friends, and we can’t tell who’s who A picture of an inaminate object Mirror selfies. Can someone please, a man preferably, tell me what the heck is going through people’s minds that they think any of these are remotely attractive? Abs are nice, but what’s your face lookin’ like though? And just because you’re posing with other women, that doesn’t make you seem “desirable.” NOPE, it makes you look like an insecure guy who only finds self-worth in the appearance of being surrounded by women (We all know it’s just an act). WHAT YOU SHOULD DO TO GET WOMEN TO RESPOND : Okay, so relationship experts will be like, “Show what you like doing in your photos!

Post pictures of you zip-lining in Costa Rica and snowboarding in Canada!” 5. Bad Grammar and Spelling. Some say “But it’s just textspeak!” Look, there’s nothing wrong with, “LOL. This is a fun conversation. Gotta go do something real quick, BRB. WHAT YOU SHOULD DO TO GET WOMEN TO RESPOND : The Conclusion: Women are perceptive. And like many people on dating apps, they will craft a full-fledged description of you just by scanning your profile, glancing at your photos, and observing your messaging behavior. And the sad part is, you might not be any of those things she’s “picked up” on, but perception is reality. You might not be an idiot, but a chick will rule you out immediately after seeing you say, “wut r u deing?”


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