who you dating

Here's Who The 'You' Cast Is Dating In Real Life, No Stalking Necessary. Unfortunately, it's easy to get sucked into Netflix's drama-thriller You. It's unnerving, puzzling, and scandalous. So, even if you don't feel good while watching it, you click "next episode" anyway, because, god d mn it, you have to figure out what kind of mess Joe Goldberg is going to get into next. For better or worse, You' s hot cast — namely, Shay Mitchell and Penn Badgley — add a bit of levity to the murdering, stalking, lying, and voyeurism. And if you're wondering who the charming eye candy that's the cast of You is dating in real life, a little investigation — 100 percent not stalker-esque, at all — leaves more questions than answers. Some of the You cast have more well-documented relationships than others. Of course, it really helps when if you've been in the public eye for a good, oh, 10 years or so, as everyone's TV crush (cough, cough Badgley; cough, cough, Mitchell). Some cast members have a more mysterious dating history, though — especially the ones who are Hollywood newcomers. And so, with all of that being said, here is what we know about the latest on the You cast's dating life, minimal internet snooping required. Penn Badgley. Well, for starters, Penn Badgley has been scooped up by Domino Kirke. She's a British musician, doula, and founder of Carriage House Birth, an organization that offers doula services and training. After Badgely dated Blake Lively (of course!) during Gossip Girl 's run, he and ZoГ« Kravitz had a brief, glorious moment. And then Badgley and Kirke started dating in 2014. They got married in 2017. If the last name "Kirke" rings a bell, it's because Domino is the little sister of Jemima Kirke, who played Jessa Johannson on Girls. Elizabeth Lail. Unlike her character in You, Elizabeth Lail (aka Guinevere Beck) keeps her social media presence tight. Yes, her social media accounts are all public. But it's hard to pin down who she's dating, if anyone at all. Lail has been romantically linked to fellow actor Julian Haig — peep the Disney visit and Vancouver vacation they went on together. However, their relationship is unconfirmed. (Elite Daily reached out to a rep for Lail, but did not hear back by the time of publication). Lou Taylor Pucci. Lou Taylor Pucci also keeps his personal life under lock and key unlike his character, Beck's fraudulent f ckboy ex Benji Ashby. The only relationship of Pucci's the internet can speak of is a brief one with actress Kelli Garner from 2004. Pucci references an unnamed girlfriend in a 2011 Q&A with Anthem Magazine. (Elite Daily reached out to a rep for Pucci, but did not hear back by the time of publication). Ambyr Childers. Ambyr Childers, who plays Candace Stone, appears to be single. In December 2017, Childers finalized her divorce from her ex-husband, film producer Randall Emmett. It was an amicable one, set up so that the Childers and Emmett can co-parent their two children. Childers filed for divorce in January 2017. Emmett is currently engaged to Vanderpump Rules' Lala Kent. The two announced in May 2019 that their wedding is slated for April 2020. While Childers hasn't said anything about her dating life, she is focusing on Ambyr Childers the jewelry company. She founded it in 2015 with fellow actress Kate Bosworth, with designs that pay homage to Childers' Native American heritage. In January 2018, right after her divorce, Childers told Page Six in 2018, “I’m in a really good place right now and am excited for all the new creations and challenges this year is going to bring." Shay Mitchell. And last but not least, there's Shay Mitchell, who plays whipsmart Peach Salinger, yes, that Salinger. Since January 2017, Mitchell has been romantically linked to Matte Babel, a journalist and TV host. After vacationing together in Greece and low-key flirting in an interview, fans picked up on a connection. (Elite Daily previously reached out to Mitchell's team to confirm her relationship with Matte Babel, and her team declined to comment.) It seems that Babel and Mitchell are still going strong as a couple. And there you have it folks! When it comes to the You cast's love lives — which are decidedly less chaotic and dramatic than the show — consider your curiosity sated. “Join our Multicultural Dating Site” Date Who You Want is for those who choose character above color. We specialize in bringing together open minded singles of different races and cultures. DateWhoYouWant Success Stories. Start dating Black, White, Asian or Latino singles. Finding the right person to spend the rest of your life with can take time, but if you know exactly what you want in a partner, why settle for anyone or compromise? Even worse, why wait for them to come find you?

At Date Who You Want, you are sure to find that person that ticks all of your proverbial boxes. Character above color - Find love no matter the race. Start swirling! Mix up your flavor and see what happens when creamy vanilla meets dark chocolate or sweet caramel - irrespective of color or race, we like to blend the colors! Preference without prejudice - we account for all different types of taste. We respect every member's preference as to what type of person they want to date, and strongly endorse this view across all members. At Date Who You Want, it's all about character above color or physical appearance. Draw your own conclusions. If you're looking for a partner of a particular ethnicity, background, religion, appearance, political views, intellect, or someone who shares the exact same interests as you, you have the greatest chance of finding them online at Date Who You Want. Why you should try online dating. You are tired of being set up on blind dates that end in disappointment You often have trouble finding someone to connect with You have a specific idea or type of partner in mind You lead a busy life, where meeting someone is next to impossible. There are many reasons why people decide to go online to find a desirable partner - there is nothing wrong with being proactive when it comes to your love life. The best thing about e-dating is that there are no surprises - you can chat online and really get to know that person before deciding to meet them in real life. It's convenient, safe, and it works! Make a smart decision today, and sign up with Date Who You Want and share your life with someone special. The man or woman of your dreams could be a few clicks away. How our Interracial Dating Site works. You simply sign up for FREE and then fill out what you are looking for in a partner; the more selective you are, the better the outcome. Then, when you have found someone you think you might be interested in, make contact with them and see where it takes you!

At Date Who You Want, we know how important it is to find someone that fits in with your lifestyle, social and economic background, location, and morals. This is why we are committed to helping you find your perfect match. The choices are all here for you - don't waste your time in overcrowded bars hoping to bump into the person of your dreams; sometimes, fate needs a little help. Date who you want. When it comes to the You cast's love lives — which are decidedly less chaotic and dramatic than the show — consider your curiosity sated. Signs You're Dating a Narcissist (and What Steps to Take Next) 7 Red Flags That Your Partner Is a Full-Blown Narcissist. You met someone so fun, attentive, and captivating that you got embroiled in an intense relationship before you even knew what hit you. But at some point, things shifted — your partner began making more and more undermining comments with unpredictable emotional outbursts. Before long, it felt like you were constantly tiptoeing around, unsure of what move would lead to an explosion. Being narcissistic is way more than being self-centered or egotistical. In fact, it’s a serious mental disorder that can severely impact someone’s relationships, along with many other areas of their life. According to the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, there are nine specific criteria for this personality disorder. Someone only needs to meet five of them to clinically qualify, however. Those criteria include: A grandiose sense of self-importance A preoccupation with fantasies of success, power, brilliance, beauty, or ideal love A belief that they’re special and unique and can only be understood by, or should associate with, other high-status people A need for excessive admiration A sense of entitlement Interpersonally exploitative behavior A lack of empathy Envy of others and a belief that others are envious of them The demonstration of arrogant and haughty behaviors or attitudes. That said, narcissism exists on a spectrum, which means that just because your partner may not qualify for a clinical diagnosis doesn’t mean they don’t exhibit signs of this disorder. Unfortunately, research supports the fact that narcissism can be extremely challenging to spot. According to clinical psychologist Joshua Klapow, Ph.D., narcissists are prone to engaging in periods of seemingly healthy and appropriate interactions before things take a dark turn. “If you go along with what they say, how they interact in the world, and what you ask of them fits with their desires, then you will likely see a charming, friendly seemingly caring person,” he explains. “This is misleading and can throw you into believing that they care. The reality is they care about themselves — you are merely a supplement that may or may not fit their narrative.” 7 Signs That You’re in a Relationship With a Narcissist. 1. You Don’t Know Who You Are Anymore. Experts say that one of the easiest ways to tell you’re dating a narcissist is to do some soul searching about how your life has changed since you began dating them. Have you lost your sense of self? Licensed clinical psychologist Dr. Jordana Jacobs says that the intense affection and adoration a narcissist showers you with in the beginning — known as “love bombing” — can sweep you off your feet to the point where you feel off balance. “Your brain is flooded with dopamine and oxytocin and it becomes exceedingly difficult to see others and yourself clearly,” she explains. “While this happens to a certain degree at the beginning of most relationships, be wary if that foggy, disoriented feeling remains consistent over time.” Jacobs points out that a narcissist cannot truly see you for who you are because their perception of reality is distorted through their narcissistic lens, leaving you feeling confused about your identity. Narcissists may also resort to gaslighting, a form of manipulation and emotional abuse, in order to maintain control over you. Since gaslighting involves spinning the truth to the point of questioning reality, it can severely damage your self-confidence, self-esteem, and your overall beliefs. 2. Conversations Are a One-Way Street. When was the last time your partner showed genuine interest in your thoughts and feelings, asked about your day and demonstrated active listening, or made you feel like your perspective was valued? Can’t remember? Experts say that if your partner tends to dominate conversations by focusing solely on themselves, that’s definitely a red flag. “People with narcissists for partners often report not feeling important within the relationship,” says psychotherapist and relationship expert Dr. Laurel Steinberg, PhD. “This is characteristic of classic narcissistic behavior because narcissists have an exaggerated sense of self importance — their partner's life rarely even registers as a priority to them.” Even when a narcissistic partner does appear helpful, supportive, or caring, Klapow notes that there will likely be a self-serving motivation underneath. 3. They Can’t Handle Negative Feedback or Criticism. When your partner’s behavior is bothering you or somehow damaging the relationship, it’s important that you’re able to communicate those things. Unfortunately, that’s downright impossible with a narcissist — experts say they can certainly dish out the criticism, but they can’t take it. “Since they survive emotionally off of validation, much of which comes from their primary love relationship, narcissists cannot tolerate anything other than your complete adoration,” says Jacobs. When you try to bring up an issue you may be having with a narcissistic partner, they are likely to either become enraged or dismissive in order to avoid having to acknowledge parts of themselves that don’t line up with their own self-image. “The cycle for the narcissist in conflict is typically to deflect, blame, and repeat so as to effectively avoid reflecting on their own imperfections,” adds Jacobs. As a result of these reactions, you may be left feeling like you’re walking on eggshells around them, unable to honestly share any problems within the relationship or their behavior specifically. 4. They Are Unable to Empathize With You. A narcissist’s true colors can start to come out when you need them most. Steinberg says that narcissists are almost incapable of being supportive because they don’t experience empathy in a way that allows them to relate to you and your feelings. Pay attention to how they behave when it’s just the two of you versus around other people. They may feign empathy and support, for example, when you’re in the presence of friends and family members to uphold their pristine reputation. When the two of you are alone, though, they probably won’t bother to put on a show. 5. They Never Apologize. It’s crucial in any relationship that both partners are able to admit wrongdoing in order to learn and grow. Unfortunately, a narcissistic person will rarely own up to something they’re at fault for. “Because they see the world through lenses of their unique abilities, sense of entitlement and concern for themselves, they rarely believe they are wrong, even when they are,” explains Klapow. “In an interpersonal conflict, the narcissist will have tremendous difficulty accessing empathy, seeing things from your perspective, apologizing, or taking responsibility,” she says. “This is because the primary issue for the narcissist is that they have trouble seeing humans as nuanced beings that have positive and negative qualities — in order to preserve themselves as ‘all good,’ they have to make others ‘all bad.’ The latter, unfortunately, is you.” 6. Their Friendships Are Short-Lived or Shallow. If your partner doesn’t seem to have a lot of friendships that go beyond the surface, it’s time to ask yourself why. Narcissists have trouble maintaining long-term relationships, and whenever a friend no longer serves their needs sufficiently or threatens their own lofty self-image, they won’t hesitate to cut them off completely. “You’ll find that most narcissists have a long history of severed friendships, which they may tell you about, but will always portray themselves as the victim,” says Jacobs. “If a narcissist is indeed able to repair a deeper relationship, it is usually because their friend has begged for their forgiveness and taken full responsibility for the issue at hand. Otherwise, narcissists are so preoccupied with the way others feel about them that if they perceive a friend to view them in a negative light, rather than doing the hard work necessary to heal the relationship, they are more likely to distance or drop that person so as to avoid the deep discomfort they feel when someone is anything but adoring.” 7. They Frequently Refuse to Follow Rules or Respect Boundaries. “That means the rules of your relationship, family, work, and society don’t apply really to them,” says Klapow. “It goes beyond confidence and rebellion. When you hear them saying things like ‘It doesn’t matter what we are supposed to do, this is what we are going to do,’ or “only I can do this, no one else can,’ you know you’re with a narcissist.” Does your partner act like they’re above the law? Ignore your personal boundaries or lash out when you try to reinforce them? Those are red flags worth paying attention to. Dating someone with a narcissistic personality disorder can be confusing, emotionally overwhelming, and downright stressful. However, just because someone exhibits one or two of these traits doesn’t make them a full-blown narcissist. For example, if your partner is steamrolling you in conversation or seems to be struggling to accept constructive criticism, Steinberg advises having a heart-to-heart discussion about what you’ve noticed and how it’s making you feel. “Be ready to cite examples and to also describe what permanent improvements or changes you'd like to see happen,” she tells AskMen. And if you’re not really sure how to proceed in the relationship, Klapow suggests getting a reality check by talking to trusted friends and family members about your observations. Are they seeing what you’re seeing?

Do their positive attributes outweigh the issues they need to work on? Then, he advises doing a gut check to assess how you feel about the way the relationship is going and the overall way your partner is treating you. On the other hand, if you’re in a relationship with someone who’s constantly belittling you, gaslighting you, or making you feel unsafe in expressing your needs and concerns, it’s best to just GTFO. You cannot change a narcissist no matter how much you love them, nor can you convince them to want to change their own problematic behaviors. “Remember, darkness seeks light,” she says. “Narcissists are often attracted to highly empathic people who willingly give them the adoration and validation that they crave.” Rather than beating yourself up for getting into the situation, Jacobs recommends focusing on what you may have learned about yourself through the experience. And since dating a narcissist can take a serious toll on you mentally and emotionally, you may want to talk to a therapist so you can rebuild your self-esteem and self-image for your healthier relationships down the line. 'How to not die alone': This behavioural scientist knows exactly how you're doing dating wrong. Swiping on people's faces initially feels fun and exciting, but soon enough the endless stream of potential matches becomes overwhelming; everyone's faces and pickup lines blur into one, and suddenly the idea of going on an actual date with one of these random humans seems like an insurmountable pain in the arse. It might not even be that you're not finding people who you want to swipe right on; sometimes, it's actually just because there's too many people out there. "We think we want a lot of options [when it comes to dating], but too many options actually stresses us out and makes us feel depressed," says Logan Ury, a behavioural scientist, dating coach and author of the book How to Not Die Alone. "The human brain isn't really set up to be able to choose from so many different options. We're really suffering from the paradox of choice." Ironically, Logan Ury works at Hinge, a dating app which is responsible for providing us with that exact paradox of dating choices she's talking about. First things first: figure out your dating 'type' Do you want to date someone only within 5 kilometres of your home, for example? There's a setting for that. Only keen for someone who's over 6 feet tall?

Sure, flick that switch. Not after someone who smokes?

That's fine, here are a billion non-smokers in your area. But Logan Ury says it's more important to think critically about who you are when you're dating, and to identify what's holding you back from finding someone special. "In my work as a dating coach, I noticed that people have all these different backgrounds, all these different experiences, yet, many of them seem to suffer from the same dating blind spots," Logan says. "The Romanticiser loves love, they believe in a soulmate, and they think there's one person out there for them. And when they find that person, dating and love will be effortless." "The Maximiser has unrealistic expectations of their partner. This is the kind of person who says, could I be with somebody 5 per cent hotter?

They're always wondering what else is out there and they don't commit and make the relationship work." "The Hesitator is the person who has unrealistic expectations of themselves. They feel like they're just not ready to date yet. They say, 'I'll be ready to date when I lose 10 pounds', or 'I'll be ready to date when I have a more impressive job'. So instead of getting out there and learning how to date, they're always waiting to date and they feel like one day they'll wake up and be perfectly ready." So you've figured out what type of dater you are. Now what?

It's unrealistic to think that love will be effortless, for example; and it's also unrealistic to think you'll wake up one day 'ready' to take dating seriously. Logan suggests that once you've identified and started working on your dating 'blindspots', you can start focusing on getting 'better' at dating. To make those dates more appealing, Logan suggests making dates less like a job interview where you ask each other stock-standard, boring questions, and try to have dates that are more fun, and more likely to build connection and desire. "The research shows it's much more about if you make the person feel interesting - if you're a good listener, if you ask follow up questions. You are so much more likely to get someone to really enjoy spending time with you by being interested, rather than interesting." For the Romanticisers reading this and worried that this advice doesn't feel romantic or conducive to meeting 'the one' - Logan says it's time to stop stressing about how you meet your partner. "There's this cultural emphasis that focuses on how you met [your partner]. And what I would tell people is, who cares how you met, your 'how we met story' is going to be 0.0001 per cent of your entire relationship duration. It doesn't matter if you met on an app, it doesn't matter if you met in person, it doesn't matter if you were friends before." What about 'the spark'? "People think that 'the spark' can't grow over time, right? You either feel it or you don't. We know that that's just not true. A lot of people end up marrying somebody who they worked with or who they are roommates with [for a long time before dating]. "The other myth is that if you feel the spark, it must be a good thing. Well, we know that that's not true. Some people are just very 'Sparky'. They might be particularly charismatic, attractive, maybe even narcissistic." So, to sum up Logan's advice to anyone looking for love: Figure out what dating type you are; go on more dates to get better at dating; go on better dates; be interested not interesting; stop worrying about how you meet a partner (it's fine if you met on an app, or slide into their DMs); and lastly, f k 'the spark'. . Apr 1 How To Be Good At Dating When You Have An Anxious Attachment Style. I used to have severe anxiety when it came to dating. Meeting new people, waiting for text messages, confirming plans, not knowing where the relationship is going could hurt me physically. Dating wasn’t fun. Dating was a constant battle of fighting all my ugly thoughts about myself, all my doubts about whether I was worthy of love, all my childhood memories of feeling left out and unloved, imprinted on every molecule of my body. When the person I was dating showed signs of pulling away, I tensed up, I freaked out, I held on tighter, which only pushed them away further and, damn, did that hurt. Sometimes it hurt like my life depended on it. I shrunk into a needy little lost child, paralysed in fear and loneliness. Dating stopped being about finding a healthy relationship with someone compatible; it became an addiction, a way to punish myself while desperately hoping that the punishment would stop and, somehow, I would be saved. Make no mistakes — These dating situations didn’t just happen. These guys didn’t just pull away. I chose them. I chose very specific people who deep down I knew weren’t for me and would eventually leave. These relationship outcomes were driven by my deepest negative beliefs that I was indeed unworthy of love and I should just be alone. I also used these people to write a different ending for my relationship with my parents, which, as we all know, would never happen. My choice of partners was wrong from the get-go. When you have an anxious attachment, your ideal partner is someone who is securely attached, someone who is attentive to your needs and quick to reassure you. Anxiety might still happen but, over time, you will experience it less and less. Then, with adequate support, you will likely model after your partner and become more secure yourself. When your partner is avoidant, however, your anxiety will only intensify. I know there are guides out there to help you manage the anxious-avoidant dynamics but, especially if you’re uninvolved right now, I would earnestly advise you against it. My approach is this: First, you become emotionally secure, and then you find an emotionally healthy and available partner. In this article, I want to share with you how you could best achieve these two goals. This is not a two-step solution. You won’t see the result overnight. It’s a long journey that requires commitment and resilience. But, once you keep at it, it will change your life forever. Look inside yourself. I spent a good few years running away from my life, numbing all my senses with substances and mindless activities, so I know it isn’t easy to suddenly stop and face yourself. But you must do this now. I don’t know where you are in your dating life or in your life for that matter; it’s time to take a break from all the distractions and focus on the things that both scare you and matter to you the most. It’s time to look inside yourself. If possible, I would recommend going to therapy. Going to therapy literally changed my life. It acted as a stabiliser for me to safely enforce my personal boundaries and make ruthless relationship decisions that serve my long-term benefits. In therapy, I learned to ask for what I need and feel okay asking for what I need. I learned to lean on myself when things got hard and when past trauma caught up with me. I learned to get attached to myself and my own life instead of some strangers who got nothing on me. If you can’t go to therapy, then read, do your research, talk to people for insights. Make efforts to understand your own issues. Dig deeper. Spend quality time with yourself. Treat yourself like you would a loved one. Don’t worry about anyone else right now. In fact, delete the dating apps. Block those unsaved phone numbers. Pause dating indefinitely — it’s okay. You don’t need dating right now. Be your own best friend and partner instead. Immerse in your own personal space. Take as much time as you need. Learn to put yourself first. Get used to being your number one priority. Get used to being on your own. Build a life you truly love. After you have made sure you’re the first person you’re thinking about and focusing on right now, you can start cultivating a life that consists of only the things that give you good energy. The easiest way is to look right where you are. What do you enjoy doing? What makes you feel good about yourself?

Who brings a genuine smile to your face?

Now that you’re not dating, you can do things in your own ways — or whichever way lights up your world — without the pressure to change yourself to please anyone. You are free to be fully yourself. Go follow your heart. Sometimes, the destination might surprise you but accept it anyway. Embrace the uncertainty ahead. Step into your potential. I know it’s scary and it might be uneasy at first, but it will make you stronger and better, trust me. Try being loudly, unapologetically you for a day, a week, a month, a few months, a year, or even longer until it becomes effortless. Do the things that make you feel like yourself the most. Find the people who share the same interests and outlooks on life as you. rround yourself with these people. Learn to receive their love. Be present for their love. Tell yourself that you deserve their love. Enjoy their love like it’s always been yours. It might take a while for the positive effects of this process to kick in. So be patient. Take it one day at a time. You will get it wrong, you will make mistakes, you might even fall back into old destructive behaviours, and it’s all okay. The key part is to keep marching forward and never give up on yourself. You must believe that better days are ahead of you and you’re exactly right where you need to be in order to get there. Choose who to date and decide who to invest in based on your core values. Before therapy, I used to choose partners primarily based on superficial factors, such as job title, appearance, and good conversational flow. Date nights usually involved excessive alcohol and attraction would escalate at lightning speed. Now, I realise that I wasn’t looking for a relationship; I was looking to be validated and distracted. I needed to escape my daily life as I hated it. I also didn’t think very highly of my own values and interests, and that’s why I was intensely drawn to people who were opposite of everything I stood for. Needless to say, these connections never led to healthy relationships. This is why the steps one and two outlined above are so important. To be good at dating, especially when you have a history of being anxiously attached, you must learn to love yourself first. You must learn to meet your own needs. You must learn to validate your own feelings and experiences. When you have built a life you truly love and feel comfortable in your own skin, when you seriously value yourself as a human being, you will feel drawn towards people who are similar to you. You will find it easy to cut off the people who disrespect you or don’t treat you the way you’d like to be treated by a partner. People often say that you have to find someone who shares the same values as you. At first, I thought how hard could this be?!

I believed you could simply ask people straightforward questions about their values and decide accordingly. So I asked and listened to people’s perfectly worded answers and, without fail, I ended up with someone who was completely wrong for me. As I matured, I realised that, while everyone seems to know just exactly the right things to say, most people don’t know what their core values are. Even if they’re being completely honest, who they think they are can be different from who they really are. The best way to discover someone’s core values is by observing their words and actions over a long period of time. This is exactly what dating is for. Dating isn’t a proving-your-self-worth contest. Dating isn’t about trying to qualify as someone’s “the one”. No. Dating is a two-way process to assess compatibility. You don’t have to be liked or chosen by everyone you meet. And not being chosen by someone you meet isn’t a reflection of your self-worth; it’s a reflection of their preferences and perspectives which might or might not have anything to do with you. You must remember that you get to choose too. You gather information about your date’s values and interests and decide whether this person is a good match for you. To do this effectively, you need to know what your core values are and you need to be able to identify the behaviours that demonstrate these values as they happen. One way you could practice this is to look at your non-romantic relationships. You could try to describe these relationships and find what they all have in common. From my personal experiences, your partner should make you feel at least as at ease and comfortable as your best friend would. They should inspire you to be more of you, not any less. Especially, they should not constantly challenge your boundaries. Sometimes you do have to show people how to treat you, but an incompatible partner will require you to do this a lot and, frankly, it’s not worth the time and effort. I like a quote by Brianna Wiest that says, “Every time you break your boundaries in order to ensure someone likes you, you end up liking yourself that much less.” And that’s true. If you keep breaking your boundaries for someone, you will end up losing yourself. Also, it shouldn’t be entirely your responsibility to uphold the healthy boundaries for both partners. If your date keeps pushing boundaries, it isn’t a test for your character, it’s an insight into theirs. Be upfront about your needs for closeness and intimacy. If you have an anxious attachment and you require a lot of closeness in order to feel safe, it’s very important that you are upfront about this need. The sooner and the more clearly you communicate this, the better it is. You need someone who is comfortable with emotions and isn’t afraid of intimacy. You need an emotionally secure partner, someone who will respond favourably to your need for closeness and can reassure you when there’s doubt or distance. So if someone shows signs of avoidance, such as not being able to talk about their feelings, not spending much time with their family and loved ones, always busy working, etc., they’re likely not for you. If someone reacts negatively to your need for closeness, for example calling you clingy or suddenly pulling back, they’re definitely not for you. I know you might be tempted to play it cool but don’t make this mistake. Playing it cool will attract avoidant partners who only chase you when you’re ambivalent towards them. It also means you let them set the tone for the relationship to be one that is void of true intimacy. You might think your anxious attachment is a liability, but it isn’t permanent and nor does it define you. You must believe that you’re more than your anxious attachment and, regardless, you’re a quality human being who is worthy of love. If a partner truly values you, they will care about your anxiety and will want to help you alleviate it. You should not pretend you don’t have anxiety and try to bend yourself to fit with someone’s dating style. It’s an approach that might get you the (avoidant) partner temporarily but it’s psychologically taxing every step of the way and does not serve your long-term benefits, which also means, ultimately, it’s a waste of time. Learn to sit with your feelings before jumping to judgment or action. Even if you’re dating a securely attached partner, there are times your anxiety will be triggered and your anxiety-driven behaviours can damage the relationship if they’re not well managed. It’s important that you learn some coping techniques in your own time before you enter a romantic relationship. It might sound extreme but you shouldn’t date altogether until you learn how to regulate your emotions to some extent. When you’re constantly anxious on a life-or-death-threatening level and don’t know what to do about it, your choices of partners won’t be healthy and the quality of your connections won’t be high. Plus, sorting out your emotional issues when single is much easier than when being involved with someone as you only have to care about yourself and you can take as much time as you want. Ideally, you should go to therapy and actively do your own research on how to identify each of your emotions and how to avoid getting yourself in triggering situations in the first place. It’s important that you create a lot of space for yourself. It means when you experience a negative feeling, you don’t try to numb it or avoid it. You don’t immediately turn to alcohol or drugs or extreme hobbies or intense romance to blank your mind. You don’t put the focus on someone else’s problems to distract yourself from your own. Instead, you face those anxious feelings head-on. You let them breathe and have a life of their own until they dissolve in their own time. You observe and you don’t react. You wait it out. This process is made much easier when you have a healthy lifestyle. A healthy lifestyle doesn’t only help create a safe, reliable environment for you to express your authentic self and explore inward, but it can also inspire positive internal changes over time. Especially, when anxiety hits, you might feel like your world is being turned upside down but, with a wholesome routine in place, the panic will pass quickly and you can easily find things to lean on and remind yourself that there’s no real danger, your life is okay. Never settle for less than someone who is fully available for you. When you have an anxious attachment or a high level of relationship anxiety, not everyone is for you and you are not for everyone. You have to protect yourself and you have to be extremely ruthless when picking a partner. You want to be with someone who is fully available for you and is secure with themselves. You need a full-time partner who is all in, who is sure about you and is happy to go to great lengths for you. Someone who shares the same values and has high empathy. You cannot accept any less because you simply cannot afford that. Your anxiety is the cost you have to bear every time you get out there and take a chance on someone. This is not easy. Heck. This is hard. Not everyone is worth this cost. You owe it to yourself to quickly cut your losses when someone shows you they won’t or don’t want to meet your needs at any point during the dating process. You owe it to yourself to never tolerate disrespect or bad treatment. This life is yours. Your future is in your hands. Whether you will have a healthy, happy love life is up to you. Take that power and give yourself the best you deserve. Why You Should Always Let Him Take the Lead when Dating. I know many, many attractive, smart, funny women who have their shit together and are very successful. However, many of them lack only one thing, a love life. They just can’t seem to meet the right guy and/or sustain a relationship for very long. Because people are so individual it would seem like you c ouldn’t possibly assume all of these women were struggling with the same problem in their love lives. But after speaking with many of them, I realized that not all of them, but a significant number of them were actually dealing with very similar issues in their dating histories. These women were all trying to take “The Lead” in their romantic relationships. By taking The Lead, I mean they were playing the role of pursuer by asking men out, calling them, etc. Honestly, I don’t blame them. This is the 21st century. If you are a strong capable adult who knows what (and/or who) you want why not pursue him?

Yes, The Rules are Old. Unfortunately though, in the dating scene, we are still stuck back in the archaic stone age. Men still have the need to be hunters or like the challenge of “The Chase.” This isn’t bashing men at all. It just is what it is. I am sure that this will cause some accusations about not empowering women and/or being anti-women. Let me assure you, I am a card-carrying member of NOW and an active supporter of equality and diversity in all sections of life. But the institution of dating is not and still follows many of the old fashioned protocols. But unfortunately, for now, in order to navigate today’s dating scene and meet someone, we must remember the prehistoric systems that come into play. For instance, the man should be the pursuer of the relationship. Why? Because some of the biggest problems I hear women complain about is, “Is he seriously interested in me?” “Does he want a relationship?” “Why hasn’t he called me?” “Am I wasting my time with him?” “Is this just a hook-up?” Even the most confident of women don’t like to wait around to see if a relationship is worth their time. We want definitive proof he is “into us.” I mean, it’s the 21st century, right?

Why should we have to wait and worry if he will call? So we pursue him to see if he will go along. Unfortunately for everyone, dating doesn’t follow 2019 protocols. They are Old Rules, But Sometimes They Work. But all those questions can be easily answered without immediately making plans with him for the next several dates, but only if you let him take the lead. Most men aren’t going to communicate their deepest feelings on the first few dates. They don’t have it all figured out either. So if a woman at the end of a first date, asks him out for a second date, he will usually just say yes because he feels pressured or doesn’t want to hurt your feelings, not because he is imagining you in your wedding dress walking toward him. Most men aren’t monsters who go around wanting to hurt other people. They all mostly, want to be seen as good guys with only the best intentions, so they go along and follow your lead. Sometimes, if a woman continues to ask, call him and take the lead, a man will just go along for weeks or for several dates even if he doesn’t really see a long-lasting relationship in the future with the asker. Other times, he may be spending time with a person because he likes the way they treat him. Until he finds someone else that he wants to pursue or something more interesting to do. Usually, after he does, he just stops answering the Pursuer’s calls and unfortunately, breaks her heart because she thought the relationship was going somewhere. “We have been out five or six times. He was so attentive and always ready to go out when I called him and now he won’t even answer my texts. I don’t understand what I did wrong.” The Pursuer obsesses over every date and all their time together in her head wondering what SHE did wrong. She calls him because she just wants answers but he doesn’t respond. It is a horrible feeling and can cause you to question your self-esteem and worth. The truth is she didn’t do anything wrong except take the lead in the relationship. She never let his actions show how invested or interested he was in their connection. Remember the old line, “Actions speak louder than words?” Nowhere does this wisdom ring truer than in the dating realm. But if you do not allow him to initiate action, you have nothing to observe. For example, if she had let him do the calling, she would know for sure that he wanted to speak with her because he did the calling. Rather than just being not busy enough to answer the phone when she called. If she would have let him ask her out on a second date, she would know for sure that he was interested in seeing her again because he initiated the action. Instead of putting him on the spot at the end of their first date. She didn’t let him think about how to impress her or wonder if she was interested in him. She was an easy catch, an open book. He had no doubt she was interested because she asked him on a second date. There was no challenge for him. A little mystery goes a long way when getting to know someone. It increases the tension and ups the anti, as they say. Rori Raye, of EHarmony.com, writes, “ I know how frustrating it is to sit back and let a man take the lead. We want a man to know we’re interested in him. We want to make it easy for him to ask us out again. We want to seem enthusiastic and easygoing. And often times this means we inadvertently chase him in the ways described above. It’s true that most men need validation as much as we do. But there’s a difference between letting a man know you like him and subtly chasing him. When you chase a man, you don’t give him the chance to show you how he really feels about you. And my experience has shown that the only way to really be sure of where his heart is at is by creating the space he needs to pursue you. Once again, we are dealing with Stone Age ideas. Most men like to be the pursuer. These guys love a challenge and to be the hunter in a new relationship but our need for concrete answers so quickly didn’t allow him to do that. It may be frustrating to wait but good things take time. Relationships should not be rushed or controlled. They should be easy and progress a little at a time. That is what creates the romance, the wondering and waiting. Sometimes the feelings of desire are better than the actual feelings you have when you receive what you want. My Grandmother (who was extremely old fashioned and had never heard of NOW) used to say, “Dating a man is like coaxing a squirrel into your hand. No sudden movements. ” In other words, let him take the lead and make something happen. Then you are (mostly) certain of his intentions and have a more realistic view of where your relationship is going. Obviously, this subject can be argued and those who say to hell with the old rules are sometimes absolutely correct. We can also go much deeper by asking if we should leave all archaic gender roles behind, and I believe there are some very good arguments as to why we should. But for the sake of a few dates and getting to know someone romantically, I think that the wisdom to know when to lead and when to follow is priceless.

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