dating process

The 3 Stages of Dating. Dating has its own terrain. Knowing what to expect helps you navigate it. Tasha has been dating Sam for three months and it has been the best time in her life. They immediately felt connected, the chemistry was hot, it was easy to see that he was a kind and considerate soul. She obsesses about him all day long. They text all through the day. Chris has been in a relationship with Kara for the past year. While the first six months were great, it seems lately that things are beginning to slide. The sex life has taken a downturn, it feels like they talk past each other at times, her moodiness is irritating him more, and she is complaining about the weekends he sometimes needs to work for his job. Just as marriages move through stages, so too do dating relationships. By mapping out the stages you can know what to expect and anticipate the challenges ahead. Here they are: This is where Tasha is at. At this stage of the relationship, chemistry, both emotional and physical, is at the forefront. The emotional side is finding that you have a lot in common, that your views of the world are the same, that you share a sense of humor or like the same music. nning along this is finding in each other what you most need – someone who listens or someone who seems decisive; someone who is gentle or someone who is strong and confident. And the physical chemistry is about… well, literally chemistry, in this case the oxytocin that fuels the sexual attraction and attractiveness, the obsessing about the other, the feelings of falling in love. Affection is easy, sex, if you go there, is great. What’s not to like?

One obvious danger or downside is that you never get beyond one or two dates. You find you have a lot in common but her personality reminds you too much of your ex. Or you have a lot in common but there is no sexual attraction; you try to shift the relationship to friend status. But the bigger danger is that it does all click and both are so caught up in the greatness of it all that neither one wants to rock the boat and spoil the magic. The danger? That both partners hold back – you don’t bring up that he was late, or that she tends to dominate the dinner conversations even though it bothers you. Physical distance keeps the potential emotional conflict at bay: You bite your tongue and by the time the next weekend rolls around your irritation has receded. If the chemistry isn't there, there isn't much to do except perhaps give it one more try and see if something clicks. But if you are feeling particularly lonely or desire to move forward in your life, you may convince yourself that your expectations have been too high, that this relationship is "good enough." The challenge is being honest with yourself, taking the time to reflect and sort through your true feelings, not compromising or watering down your life. And if you have been biting your tongue and fearful of rocking the boat, your challenge is to resist the temptation. No, you don’t want to emotionally slap someone up the side of the head on the second date because he talked with his mouth full, but if this is truly one of your pet peeves, don’t hold off till three years after the wedding to bring it up. The issue isn't about chewing and food, but about bringing honesty and realness into the relationship from the start so the person gets a true sense of who you really are and what is important to you. This is the only way of knowing whether or not you are truly compatible. As Chris has noticed, the landscape has changed. Sex is down, irritation is up. This is not about fault or blame and more about, once again, chemistry – the oxytocin has dropped. Researchers have found that oxytocin levels naturally drop in couples somewhere between 9 and 18 months. What this all translates to for couples is the natural experience that things are settling or a winding down. Routines set in, the hot chemistry is okay, but less hot. But with this is also a relaxing of that walking-on-eggshells behavior. Chris and Kara are more open about what bothers them, especially if they are living together and can’t use distance to water down their irritations. Here is where partners begin to see patterns – that that crazy drunken night and intense argument wasn't a one-time event after all, or that your partner’s wanting to spend six days with her family at Christmas is part of a bigger pattern of pulling in relatives anytime she has more than two days off from work. With all this can come the triggering of each person’s emotional wounds. Here is where what each person is particularly sensitive to – criticism, control, lack of appreciation, not getting enough attention – begins to stir: Chris starts to feel micromanaged, or Kara feels abandoned and is increasingly resentful of his working weekends. Here is where couples can begin to argue about who is more hurt, who is too sensitive, arguments that can seem endless or destructive. But wait, there's more – literally more life. Often by this time in the relationship real-life experiences become part of the mix and challenge. Here Kara loses her job or Sam's grandmother dies and he is devastated, or Chris has a medical crisis. The couple is challenged to respond as a unit – to be supportive about the job, to come or not to the funeral, to face the medical issues together – all a testing of the strength of the relationship and each partner's ability to deal with crises and anxiety. Finally, this is the time when the couple starts to have serious conversations about the future. Here they talk about priorities, whether to have kids or not or how many, whether to focus on careers or whether a job is just a job and they'd rather raise chickens as a hobby. This is where commit-a-phobia sets in: One partner wants to move forward, the other may say slow down, give me more time. The pink clouds of the first stage are fading; reality is rearing its head. This is big stuff, the real test of the relationship. Are we on the same page about our visions and priorities? Can you support me in the way I need to be supported while I struggle with the loss of my grandmother or the loss of my job? Can you understand how sensitive I am to being micromanaged and back off, rather than arguing with me that I’m being too sensitive? The bigger issue is whether we can productively have these conversations without rancor and tit-for-tat. Can we solve these problems and reach solutions that are win-win for both of us? The obvious challenge is having the courage and making the commitment to slog through all of this and hopefully find that you both can accommodate without merely giving in, that you can have these difficult conversations rather than sweeping them under the rug or blowing up. Some couples will and some will find that they can't. They will break up either because it is all too difficult or because they discover that they are truly on different pages. You move through this emotional valley-of-darkness and come through the other side. A bit rough at the edges, some lingering regrets or resentments perhaps, but the positives heavily replace the negatives. You both were honest, you both learned to be assertive and compassionate, you both are able to understand the humanness of the other. You enter into the final lap towards a commitment or marriage with a realistic perspective. You believe that your relationship has reached this point, but in reality you essentially skipped all of Stage 2. You are still accommodating and not speaking up, thinking perhaps that once you are married or live together that things will magically work out, that the other will change, that it will be easier to bring things up then. The deeper and normal problems of Stage 2 don't evaporate, but linger, and like landmines, may explode unexpectedly later. Here is also where the last-minute Runaway Bride effect may set in; at the last minute, with the closing of the door, you realize that this isn’t going to work or it isn’t what you want. This is the last chance to get everything on the table, to feel safe and secure and honest. The challenge is once again to have courage; the time is now to step up. Relationships change over time because people change over time. In order to navigate the course, you need to fill in the emotional potholes that come along the way rather than falling into them. Change can be a challenge, but change is your life telling you that you've outgrown the old ways. By knowing what changes you may expect, you can keep a clear head and perspective. Standard Dating Procedure. You make her feel attracted to you when you interact with her in person, on the phone or online. You exchange contact details and you (the man) then call her 1-3 days later to arrange a time to catch up. On the date, you build up her feelings of sexual attraction for you, connect with her and end the date with a kiss and/or sex. Once you’ve begun having sex, the relationship automatically starts and you will continue to be in a dating relationship until you both decide that you want an exclusive, committed relationship with each other. The most important thing of all is that you start out by making her feel sexually attracted to you. Don’t try to become her friend or pretend that you’re not interested in anything sexual with her. In today’s world, sex happens very quickly and after that, the couple then decides if they want to get serious each other. According to a study by Singles in America, 55% of couples had sex on their first date and 70% of women admitted to having had a one night stand when asked the question in a European study. So, don’t think that you need to court her for weeks or months before anything sexual happens. She’s usually going to be hoping that it happens right away or quickly, so she can then decide how she really feels about you. Drop the Games and Be Real. When you watch movies (which are designed to entertain you, not educate you), you’ll see that the standard dating procedure pretty much always consists of an elaborate game played between a man and a woman. The dating game usually involves the guy convincing the woman that he is interested in her, proving himself to her, going out on a date (which she reluctantly agrees to), and when he finally delivers her to her door, she turns him away without a kiss because she is not “that kind of girl”. Then, after a few dates and many scenes where the guy is trying to impress her, she finally decides that she’s ready to get passionate and it is the best sex ever; the bed is covered in flowers, the linen is white and the orgasms are loud and sweaty. The music is dramatic, the lighting is perfect and the characters look happier than ever. Then, a little while later, after a small misunderstanding (or because one of them isn’t ready or still has feelings for their ex), they break up; only to be reunited shortly before the screen credits roll to live happily ever after, or until the sequel. In real life however, that is not the standard dating procedure for guys who know how to go through what I call The Flow of a natural sexual courtship. The speed in which a couple goes from hello to having sex and beginning a relationship varies because every situation is different and every woman is different. So, while there is a flow of a sexual courtship and that is what I (and 1,000s of my happy readers) see as the standard dating procedure, you must understand that it doesn’t always go like this: So, if you’re looking for a standard dating procedure that goes at exactly the same pace, you will be disappointed. Although the basic is the same, the speed at which you go through it will vary. Dating Through the Ages. Back in the 1800’s and all the way through to the mid 1900’s, dating was not an issue because people simply got married out of necessity (easier to survive together) and tradition (that’s what people did). Apart from the naughty people who had sex before marriage, almost all most women would still be a virgin by the time they got married. For the man, the standard dating procedure was pretty simple: Find a woman, marry her, impregnate her and raise the family together. The procedure went something like this: 1. The formal introduction: A man and a woman were formally introduced by a senior family member, or by a well respected member of the community. 2. The courtship: The couple would “date” by meeting at the lady’s home or in a more public setting and but in most cases, they would accompanied by a chaperone to keep an eye on them and ensure that they didn’t kiss or have sex. 3. The engagement: The man would formally ask the woman’s father for her hand in marriage. If accepted, the couple would be engaged and then plan their wedding. 4. The wedding: The couple would exchange vows and after the wedding was over and they had time to themselves, they would have sex for the first time and consummate the marriage. Although some modern men wish that dating still worked that way today, the fact is that it no longer does. Times have truly changed and approaching a sexual courtship with a woman with the standard dating procedure of 200 years ago is not going to make her swoon. If you want to be successful with women and dating in today’s world, you must understand and accept that the standard dating procedure today has changed. In most cases, a woman will want to have sex with you first before she decides whether or not she wants to be your girlfriend. Now, that is not to say that all modern women are loose and easy, but it’s just that with such a high divorce rate, modern women aren’t willing to fully commit to a guy right away. Additionally, they have been told since they were young, “Do whatever you want. Sleeping with many men is okay. You don’t have to get married at all if you don’t want to” by TV, movies, authority figures, teachers, friends and even family. If you approach the dating procedure as though you’re living in 1800, don’t expect women to happily go along with it. They likely won’t say, “Hey, you’re using the standard dating procedure from 1800,” but they will say, “Sorry, I just don’t think this will work out. I’d rather just be friends.” I’m not saying that you need to have sex with every women you date right away, but many modern women secretly want to so they can get a feel for who you really are. If you’re not comfortable with that and would rather wait until marriage before having sex, then you’d better go to groups and places where those women hang out. Don’t expect other women who don’t believe what you do to be happy to wait until marriage. Heck, if they are like 95% of modern women, they will already have had sex before they are 20 years old with a few guys, at least. I know, I know – some guys find that appalling and off-putting, but those same guys love to masturbate to porn with women who’ve had sex with 1,000s of guys. Deal with it, times have changed. However, as mentioned, if you want a women who will only have sex after she is married, then go and meet those women. Obviously, standard dating procedure will be different in this case because you will have to use the approach that men used 100s of years ago. If that’s what you want to do, then that is perfectly fine and you should do it. In life, you’ve got to stand up for what you believe in and carve out the type of life you want to live. If you believe in no sex before marriage, then live that life. If you believe in sex before relationship (how most modern people do it), then make sure that you start out by making a woman feel attracted to you first and then escalate to kissing and sex very quickly. Factors That Will Speed Up the Flow From Hello to Sex. Attraction: If a guy knows exactly how to approach a woman and make her feel attraction for him, then the courtship will flow to the next level naturally and easily. However, if the guy doesn’t understand how to make a woman feel sexual attraction for him, most women are going to reject him no matter how much of a good guy he is. Confidence: A guy with the confidence to take action will get a lot further than the one who waits for the woman to give him permission to make the first move. Additionally, a guy with confidence is one who will find it easy to attract women. When a woman notices that a guy is nervous or anxious while talking to her, it instantly turns her off and she cannot feel proper attraction and respect for him. Body language and flirtation: These are powerful tools to have in your arsenal when approaching, meeting and dating women. With these abilities, a guy is able to direct the flow of the interaction simply by flirting and using body language to make the woman feel certain desirable emotions. If he’s doing everything right, she will be ready to go from having a conversation, to kissing to having sex all in the space of a very short time; and more often than not, even that same day or night. Being Respectful Towards Women. Although it’s important to be respectful towards the woman you are with, the environment, the circumstances and her specific personality will always play a key role in determining the standard dating procedure that you should follow. However, one thing that you need to accept is that most modern women are open to having sex right away or within a couple of dates. Dragging it on for too long with certain women (who like to have sex right away so they can determine whether they really like you or not) will cause her to say something like, “I don’t think this is going to work.” So, don’t do that to yourself. Don’t miss out on having a loving, committed relationship because you think it’s the “right thing to do” to use the standard dating procedure from the 1800s. Want to Know the SECRET to Success With Women? Watch this hidden video where Dan exposes his BIGGEST secret to success with women, which allows you to easily get laid or get a girlfriend. The Six Most Crucial Stages Of Dating. We keep discussing one of the most important topics – dating. Since best-matchmaking is an exclusive online dating and matchmaking agency, we know everything about dating and have lots of things to tell you to be successful at least in that area of your life. All stages of dating development. We may not even realize this but dating is full of different stages. And almost every couple goes through each of them. Why almost?

Because some people start with a bed at once, for example. Some people start from casual dating and going to intimacy only in a couple of months, others start with intimacy and only then start dating, and there is an endless number of variations. We bet that each of you has come through such stages at least once in your life. Each of them is connected to certain emotions of both people. Dating Stage 1. The first date. Normally, people go on their very first date to talk, get to know each other, etc. Your first doesn’t mean that you will have the second one or that it will lead to a relationship but it is the very first stage of everyone’s dating. A psychologist and relationship expert, Niloo Dartashti, Psy.D., said that the success of your first date depends on how nervous you are and what the date means for you. It means that once you make your first date a bigger deal than it is, your mind will make you nervous at once. So you will feel happy and succeed only if you both do not give too much value to your first date. But your first date is finished and you think what’s next?

Let’s try to figure out what is the next stage of your . Check a FREE gallery of single foreign women!

Dating Stage 2. The first kiss. Of course, it depends on the couple, but as a rule, the first kiss comes on the first date. However, some people may have it before it. But no matter when it happens, it is an essential part of the . And if you feel nothing during it, it is a bad sign. The attraction is very important and if you don’t feel any chemistry, there is no need to keep dating this person. Kissing is important and it is an integral part of dating. If you are dating someone and have not kissed yet, this may mean you are in a friend zone already. Or maybe you are not very confident to do the first step and your girlfriend is waiting for it. So do not neglect that important stage. Dating Stage 3. The first intimacy. When a couple goes for intimacy, they go to the very next stage and it is already more important for them both. However, that stage is pretty individual and some people may have it on the first date even. Others may wait for exclusive dating and only then get closer. But no matter when you decided this important thing to happen, you will have it anyways. Of course, if you both want to progress in your relationship. For some people, it is normal to have their first sexual contact on their first date or even before it. Other couples need more time and you should not worry if this doesn’t happen after your first kiss or first date. It means that your girlfriend (or you) needs more time for this to happen. Dating Stage 4. Seeing each other constantly. We have already discussed the topic of casual and exclusive dating in our previous article called Exclusive dating: Its definition & the difference to casual dating. And depending on what dating you choose, your relationship will develop. If it is casual dating, it means that you will still be seeing other women. But in that article, we are intending to discuss exclusive dating. And it will mean that you will just have more and more constant and frequent dates. You are supposed to spend more time together, see each other’s friends, go to parties, and even travel together. Yes, traveling is good leisure time and when you are dating someone exclusively, you can do it together. It helps to get to know each other a lot and find out more and more details about each other. So we believe that constant and frequent dates are the next step of the . How long should you date before being in a relationship? There is a really fine line between dating and relationships. And sometimes, people struggle with defining when exactly they should go for a relationship and decide they are a real couple and finish dating. You should only listen to your heart and follow your inner feelings. After all, you both can decide that important topic. If you feel pressured by your girlfriend, try not to avoid that talk but discuss it with her and you both will realize what you need and want. There is nothing wrong with having doubts and we are all human beings and it is natural for us to doubt everything, including such an important aspect of our life as a relationship. But as well as the rest of the most important stages of relationships, it is very individual and only you should decide when it’s time to move on!

Dating Stage 5. Meeting each other’s parents. When you became an exclusive couple and decided that you are not looking for anyone else or decided to move in, for example, it is time to see the families of each other. We can say this step already means you have relationships and consider a mutual future together. How many women did you introduce to your parents?

Well, we bet not many. We always introduce only special people to our families, don’t we?

So we believe this stage is also one of the main steps in dating. Your family is as important to you as your future bride, so you want to know their opinion. And her parents also are eager to see who she is spending all her time with, so after you have been dating for a while, it is necessary to get to that important step. You also need to see her attitude to your parents, it is important to you. Dating Stage 6. Saying “I love you” When you are dating someone for a while, we believe you like that person and feel attracted to her. And most likely, you both are in love. This step of dating is really one of the most important and crucial for you both. Yes, we all have a subconscious fear that once we say it, our partner will not say the same in return. But we from best-matchmaking believe that there is nothing to be afraid of. If you feel in love, you should let your partner know about it. However, it doesn’t concern online dating and Ukrainian and Russian women. Tell these words only after you had all the previous stages while for them, these words mean nothing if they don’t know you well enough. The most important stages of a relationship. Now as you are at the peak of your and told about your love for each other, you can consider yourself to have real relationships. Needless to say, you see each other exclusively and do not consider anyone else at that stage. You might live together already as a wife and a husband and have a sort of civil marriage. 15 Guys to Avoid Dating at All Costs. He's cute, fun, smart and you can't stop thinking about him. You're already three steps ahead of the game, mentally planning weddings, children and that giant house with the white picket fence. Finally, after all these years, the perfect relationship has finally been found. Happily ever after sure feels good, huh? Not so fast. While many men may seem ideal after just a few weeks of dating, upon closer inspection, there can be warning signs that you should avoid a relationship with this person. It is important to recognize these warning signs before it's too late. The alternative is waking up one day down the road divorced with five kids and fifty thousand dollars in debt, watching re-runs of "Honey Boo Boo" on Nick at Nite. OK, maybe I'm exaggerating. But the truth is, as much as we often ignore the warning signs of a potentially bad relationship early on in the , these issues don't go away. Most behaviors only grow worse over time. So, instead of jumping into that long-term relationship with a man you suspect may be wrong for you, let's take a look at fifteen types of guys to avoid getting into long-term relationships with in the first place. These men will only become more rigid over time. Dating someone who refuses to do anything new makes for a long-term relationship that is both boring and one-sided. Assuming that he will eventually change and open up to your hobbies is misguided. This will likely never happen. You are his partner, not his maid. Men who expect you to clean up their dishes, pick up their clothes and take care of them as if they are little children on a consistent basis need a really check, and will likely treat you as if you are their mother for the rest of their lives. Be wary of men who constantly look for deals and comment on prices early on in the . While everyone likes a good deal, real men will not make this known when courting a woman. These are signs that he will likely be very cheap throughout the duration of the relationship. 4. The I-need-to-watch-sports-all-the-time guy. There's nothing wrong with sitting on the couch and watching sports. Many guys do. But this should never trump the responsibilities of a relationship or take precedence over family obligations. There is a difference between loving sports and having a childish obsession with them. Choose a man who knows the difference. Expecting a home cooked meal every single night makes for a relationship that will likely feel unbalanced in the long run. Again, you are not his maid. There should be contributions from both parties, even if that contribution isn't always evenly divided. It's the effort that counts. Many men break out all the stops early on in the , but by the fifth of sixth date, the laziness starts to creep in. While no man should always be expected to plan five-star dates, at the same time, the romance shouldn't just completely fall off a cliff at once. These changes in effort can be very foretelling of how he will be a year or two down the road. Always play close attention to how a guy's behavior changes once he has had sex with you for the first time. If he truly cares about you, his good behaviors will grow stronger. Those who back down and start getting lazier after having sex for the first time were probably only after one thing to begin with. Anyone, regardless of gender, who asks for help paying bills early on in a relationship should raise red flags. Don't let yourself be used. By paying for him early on, you are setting the tone that it will be this way for your entire future. Be very wary of men who talk up a big game of what they plan on doing with their lives. Some men with no ambition whatsoever like to talk up a good game, but at the end of the day, they are just saying what they know women want to hear. There is nothing wrong with a guy who wants to grow into a better person, just make sure that he's genuine. In my book, living at home up until age 25 is acceptable, provided the guy was going through schooling or saving up money. But anyone who has been working for a couple of years and still lives with his mother past this age is never going to grow up. Period. Some men may not like being tied down to a phone, but responding to your text messages or phone calls shouldn't be annoying; it's common courtesy and respect. This is a warning sign of future selfish behavior. The opposite of number eleven, the over-controlling guy must know where "his woman" his every second of the day and approve of who she is hanging out with. n from this type of man immediately. One day, he wants a relationship. The next day, he wants kids. Two months later, he's not sure about either. Often times when this line is pulled, its code for "I'm looking for a marriage and kids, just not with you." Steer clear. If you like being indoors more than being outdoors, this may be a good match for you. But men who are constantly suggesting that they want to just stay in and watch a movie early on in the dating game are likely the lazy type, or only out for sex. This will only get worse over time. For more free tips from Joshua Pompey, including how to write successful emails online, click here now. Or click here to learn the best methods for writing the perfect online dating profiles. The Psychology of Modern Dating. How online dating is changing our fundamental interpersonal processes. Navigating the modern dating world can be a venture rife with disappointment and disillusionment. On the other hand, dating can lead to a lifelong partnership. Sadly, for many it is more often the former. From dating fatigue to the sting of rejection, even the most confident daters are not immune to the negative effects of dating on psychological and emotional well-being. And for those who struggle with self-worth, these effects can be especially harmful. According to social researchers, “Online dating has produced some of the most profound and widespread changes to traditional courtship that have been seen in decades—namely, its effects on fundamental interpersonal processes.” And in an increasingly commoditized dating landscape, these changes are not always for the better. According to online dating coach and founder of ProfileHelper.com, Eric Resnick, “[Swipe apps] have trained the newest generation of single adults to look at online dating as more of a video game than as a viable way to make a real connection.” “We are in the process of redefining how humans communicate and potentially how we fall in love,” says Venus Nicolino (aka Dr. V), relationship expert and author of Bad Advice: How to Survive and Thrive in an Age of Bullsh t. She says that when we spend the majority of the courting process using electronic communication such as text, all we are doing is projecting our insecurities onto a screen. “We are basically having a relationship with the most insecure parts of ourselves,” Nicolino adds. Sometimes I feel like I broke dating. Our goals were lofty building Match, and the online dating industry, back in 1995. We were going to bring more love to the planet. But even from the early days I cautioned singles not to hide behind the tech we were introducing to behave in ways they would not behave in the real world. And I worried that so much romantic opportunity would require some maturity for singles to manage respectfully. Sometimes it's tough to realize that we really did change the way the world found love, but the new path may not be a better one for many. What we see now is a new language to describe behaviors that abundant romantic opportunity has created. This new language to which McDermott refers describes some of the toxic dating behaviors that have emerged as a result of online dating, including the following: Ghosting: Essentially disappearing from the life of someone you've been dating. Swiping Left: Dismissing someone as a romantic opportunity in less than the time it takes to sneeze. Cookie-jarring: Keeping someone as a back-up in case it does not work out with your current partner. Explains Happn dating expert Eugénie Legendre, “If you are seeing someone and want to make yourself feel a bit more secure, you soak up the attention from a potential love interest. [It is] an insecurity that stems from the desire to feel safe and wanted.” Orbiting: When somebody is not quite a part of your life but makes sure to keep themselves relevant to you by popping up on your social media, for example. Breadcrumbing: Sending sporadic but noncommittal messages as a way of keeping a dating prospect on hold. Just when you are ready to leave, they “throw you another one.” These offenders prey on your hope. Benching: Similar to breadcrumbing and cookie-jarring. Keeping someone on the sidelines until further notice, just in case you might want to connect down the road. In his book Paradox of Choice: Why More is Less, psychologist Barry Schwartz explains how having an abundance of choices, in any realm, can increase levels of anxiety and depression. not to mention wasted time. At some point, Schwartz writes, “choice no longer liberates, but debilitates.” “People have access to more options than ever, so much so that a single option feels disposable,” says author and CEO of Plum Dating and author of The Love Gap Jenna Birch. “This often leaves people second-guessing themselves and wondering if they could have done better. We place a higher value on the things we have to work for, or the things we take a risk to get.” Yes, there are plenty of fish in the sea. But if it is an authentic connection you are seeking, you’ll eventually have to venture outside of the shallow waters—as scary as that may seem. In a culture of dispensability, where relationships are recycled and dates ordered from a menu of options, it is easy to become disillusioned with the whole process. Despite this, romantic opportunities online abound. Given the sheer number of marriages and children that have been produced through online dating, it is hard to argue that sentiment. So, if you are armed with knowledge, realistic expectations and most importantly, a heavy dose of self-compassion, it is possible to avoid—or at least minimize—some of the pitfalls and to date smarter, without compromising your self-esteem and emotional well-being. The Courtship Process From Flirting to Marriage. The courtship process is direct and the intended outcome of a courtship is obvious to all of those involved. When entering into a courtship, there is hope for all of those involved that there will be a wedding at the end of the process. The Purpose of Courtship. Some may call courtship old fashioned. Some may be intrigued while others may scoff at it in a world where dating at a young age and premarital sex are everywhere you turn. Whether you choose to engage in a courtship or you're skeptical of their place in modern society, courtship still exists and its purpose is to allow two people to get to know one another without the confusion of a physical relationship. While dating can be fun and sometimes has no strings attached or any hope for a more permanent union, the goal of courtship is to determine whether two people are a good match for marriage. Ultimately, two people entering a courtship are hoping that the answer will be yes, that they are an ideal match, and that their path will lead to marriage. The Timeline of the Courtship Process. Showing Interest. This is the flirting stage, the point where you hint to the other party that you're interested and available through verbal and nonverbal communication. The verbal communication part isn't completely direct. Instead of saying, "I'd like to enter a courtship with you," for example, you may exchange niceties and witty banter. Posture, smiling, and other body language also play a big part in this step of courtship. Initiation and Acceptance. In the courtship process, the man must do the initiating. He will typically go to his own parents and discuss his interest in a specific woman, then to her father (or guardian) to ask his permission to court his daughter. The father then approaches his daughter and informs her of the man's intent. If she accepts, they will officially enter into the courtship process. Getting to Know One Another. This is where the couple truly gets to know one another-but only under supervision. They are never left alone together so that there will be no temptation to engage in a physical relationship. That doesn't mean that they can't have conversations out of earshot of other family members. The goal of the courtship process is to allow a man and a woman to get to know each other on multiple levels without allowing kissing or sex to cloud their judgment. The presence of a family member nearby reminds them to honor their promise to themselves and others to remain pure. In this phase of courtship, there is no reason to put on a "mask" to impress the other person. People in a courtship want to get to know each other well by not only letting their personalities shine, but by asking deep questions, seeking answers that will let them know whether they are really compatible enough to enter a marriage. Staying Pure. A big difference between courtship and even the most innocent and well-intentioned dating is that there is no physical contact. That means no hugs, kisses, hand-holding, or sex until marriage. These rules can sometimes be bent a bit. Some couples will hold hands while others will not. Some will kiss when they become engaged while others will wait until they've been pronounced man and wife and the man is given permission to kiss his bride. A Proposal. Once the couple knows one another well enough to know if their morals, life goals, and interests match up well enough, there is usually a proposal. Because they already had their parents' permission to begin courting, they know that they have their blessing in their future marriage at this point as well. Marriage at Last. This is where the courtship process ends. The couple is free to kiss, hug, and engage in intercourse once they're married. They hopefully know their partner well enough to weather the trials of getting used to married life because they entered and continued the relationship with clear heads and parental blessings. Ending a Courtship. Not all courtships end in marital bliss, of course, and one party or the other may lose interest or decide that they are not a good match. Ending a courtship isn't done face to face between the woman and the man. The third party who was the go-between in initiating the courtship will again be the messenger when the courtship is over. From Flirting to Marriage. Courtship is a much more structured method than dating when it comes to determining whether you and another person are meant to be together for the rest of your lives. The courtship process isn't as common as dating in modern society, but blogs like A Love That Will Last, Bethany's Blog, and many others prove that it can work just as its intended to. Finding A Suitable Remarriage Partner — The . How will you beat the odds against a successful remarriage? How will you go the distance, as others fall by the wayside?

Are there ways to reduce the risk of failure and improve marital happiness in remarriage? How do you avoid unwelcome and unsettling surprises after it is too late to reconsider a relationship?

The answers are simple (although living it out is not so easy): You must allow God to lead and guide you to find a suitable mate, as he provided for Adam (Gen. 2:18). Getting acquainted with prospective remarriage partners through dating and courtship is a major key in determining the bond you will have in remarriage. This is why it is so important not to rush this critical phase of the relationship. Preparing for remarriage takes time for careful evaluation and prayer. If we seek God, he will answer. As Jesus promised, “Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you. For everyone who asks, receives; he who seeks, finds; and to him who knocks, the door will be opened” (Lk. 11:9-10). The is the first step toward separating wheat from chaff in helping you make a responsible and wise choice before God about whom you remarry; someone with whom to share your vision and commitment to make the relationship work. Work With The Lord. Unfortunately, Scripture doesn’t give us specific guidance for dating. This is even more true for those dating after death or divorce of a spouse. Even so, we do see God’s hand in leading people to each other. For example, God was active in opening the door for the servant of Abraham when he sought a wife for Isaac (Gen. 24). God was part of the process that brought Ruth (a widow) and Boaz together (Ruth 1-4). God was certainly involved when Esther married the king and, through that relationship, helped God’s people (Esther 1:10). A careful reading of these accounts confirms that these people used personal responsibility in finding their mates. Abraham’s servant traveled, prayed, spoke to Laban and Bethuel and made decisions that positioned him where God could introduce him to Rebekah. Similarly, Ruth and Boaz took actions that eventually brought them together. Esther’s obedient choices also resulted in marriage. What can we learn from these examples? They tell us that God does act in our lives to provide us with opportunities to find suitable mates. He opens doors and offers choices. But we still have personal responsibility to pursue the opportunities God gives us. Also, when God presents an opportunity, we must be willing to do whatever is necessary to receive it. You may have heard the old joke telling of how Adam complained to God in the Garden of Eden, “I’m lonely. I need to have someone around for company.” God replied, “Okay, I’m going to give you the perfect woman. Beautiful, intelligent and gracious–she’ll cook and clean for you and never say a cross word.” “Sounds great,” Adam replied. “But what’s she going to cost?” “An arm and a leg,” God answered. “That’s pretty steep,” Adam countered. “What can I get for just a rib?” Don’t pass up a good relationship by protecting yourself and not paying the price for a suitable remarriage partner. Above all, God expects us to listen for His guidance in Scripture and to use common sense. This means avoiding circumstances leading into sin or corruption of God’s standards and values. To steer clear of trouble, associate only with other single individuals who share your faith and values. For Christians, this means circulating among fellow Christians. Deal With Guilt And Fear. As you launch into new relationships, you may face one especially thorny matter: “survivor guilt” about dating. Some widowed individuals may feel dating is an unfaithful act against their deceased mates. Former Beatle Paul McCartney, whose first wife (Linda) died some years ago, talked about the struggles a widower feels in considering a new relationship. “I had all these questions,” he explains, “like, `Oh, my gosh, I’ve had a wife for 30 years. Is this allowed?’ But I soon felt, yeah, it is. Actually what I felt was that if Linda was alive, I’d be dead meat. She’d kill me!

No way would I be getting away with this. But I felt that if she was around, this wouldn’t even be happening. But, as she wasn’t, she would want me to be happy.”1 If you experience survivor guilt about dating, it’s part of completing the grieving process. Counseling and many excellent book resources can help you work through this vital process before you begin dating. But if you are widowed, or divorced without no hope of reconciliation and scripturally free to remarry, then trust in God. Go ahead without guilt or shame if and when you’re ready to remarry. What about dating fears? “I’m too old–nobody will want me.” “Can I make a new commitment?” After a divorce, finding a new partner also may rekindle memories of pain, rejection, and loss of personal identity. Put these fears to rest and trust God!

Too old?

There are more people over age 50 today than at any other time in history!

Remembering the hurt, anger, and mistrust of a prior marriage partner before divorce? Learn to let go and look forward to a brighter future. Feeling defeated? Learn from your mistakes and move on with your life in God’s wisdom and grace. As dramatist and poet William Moulton Marston observed, “Defeat strips away false values and makes you realize what you really want. It stops you from chasing butterflies, and puts you to work digging gold.”2 Don’t let yourself become a victim–take a chance again whenever you’re ready. What About The Children?

By January, 2000, there were 12 million single-parent households in the U.S., according to the U.S. Census Bureau. Millions of those parents are dating. One common element among many of those dating millions is having 50 pounds and three feet of determined resistance–a child who wants you to stay home! NBC Today Show Host Katie Couric, widowed for several years, recalls how her young daughter once told Couric’s date that Couric was a “compulsive gambler” and that she “had gambled away all my college funds.”3 Dealing with children poses one of the most difficult scenarios faced by single-again parents. That resistance can sabotage a promising new relationship! Children of single-again parents are naturally suspicious and jealous. Bridging the gap of resistance requires both the single parent and the dating partner reaching out to each child to affirm his/her worth and significance. How is this accomplished? The most obvious answer is to give children all the attention they need, instead of putting them on the back burner while being distracted by new love. Also, bridge the gap of juvenile resistance by helping children develop biblical love for others–including dating partners. Certainly single parents should delay introducing a potential suitor to the children prematurely. Exercising caution avoids potential rejection if the relationship doesn’t work out. However, a dating partner doesn’t need to be a stranger either!

Gently including children helps them develop empathy for others, even as you calm their natural fears and anxieties. Should You Engage In Casual Dating?

Cartoonist Cathy Guisewite portrays her character, Cathy, listening to her friend run down a dating checklist with her: “Blind date?”, the friend asks. “Ick,” Cathy responds. “Personal ad?” “Ick.” “Dating service?” “Ick.” “Online chat room?” “Ick.” “Coffee shop?” “Ick.” “Gym?” “Ick.” “Singles group?” “Ick.” “Chance encounter while wandering around aimlessly?” “YES!

That has possibilities!

Yes!!”4 But how does this sound to you? Casual dating has a flaw–it is temporary and does not emphasize commitment. Teenagers believe dating life is a series of one partner after another, with the accompanying heartaches along the way. Single-again folks who date can fall into the same trap. Purely recreational and casual dating breeds disillusionment, inevitable breakups, and broken hearts. It often mistakes a physical relationship and emotional excitement for biblical love. It isolates a couple from other relationships. It tempts a couple–and particularly those who are single-again–into dissatisfaction with embracing singleness the way God intended. Casual dating is an artificial setting for testing another person’s character and values. Too often it involves playing emotional games with others’ feelings. The inevitable result of many instances of casual dating? Another broken relationship. What About Friendship Dating And Courtship?

Because of the possible flaws of casual dating, many Christians are moving toward using friendship dating and old-fashioned courtship. Why?

Because this process encourages men and women to develop (emotionally and spiritually) significant brother-sister friendships first. · What is friendship dating?

“Friendship dating” is going out socially with someone you already know fairly well from church or Christian family contacts–not a relative stranger. Dating a friend from church, for example, is an existing wholesome, God-honoring relationship. There is minimal pressure, while considering personal readiness for remarriage. Many churches encourage reflection, prayer, and seeking the counsel of many competent spiritual advisors in guiding the couple to determine whether they are suitable for each other from a godly perspective. Brothers and sisters in Christ also help keep the couple focused on the truly important aspects of a dating relationship–commitment and accountability to God, to each other, and to the church. In friendship dating, each partner asks lots of questions to evaluate his/her heart and motives: “Why do I want to be with this person more than others?

Are there any issues I need to deal with personally first? Am I using this person to meet needs that only God can meet?” The goal is to evaluate and clarify the true direction of the relationship. One very important question to ask is: “How do I trust God about this person and a possible future together?” Seeking the Lord’s leadership and guidance prompts each person to submit his/her heart, and decisions about each other, to him. “Is it time to move forward in this relationship?

Would it be better to wait?” The Lord provides a sense of proper timing if both persons’ hearts yield to him. If a couple mutually agrees that they have the Lord’s blessing to continue the relationship after an adequate time of “friendship dating,” they may prayerfully decide to begin courting each other. · What is courtship? Courtship involves a time of deeper fellowship. When courting, the couple makes joint decisions and sets boundaries and limits. Before entering into a more committed relationship, they agree in advance to use self-control and live within scriptural limitations (although boundaries really should be in place before dating even begins). Courtship isn’t a game of conquest or manipulation, but of request and mutual submission in seeking each other’s greater good before the Lord. Courtship fosters an opportunity for deeper communication and learning more about each other. It helps build a good and wholesome friendship grounded in confidence and trust. Courtship maintains sexual purity and establishes godly control of normal sexual attraction. Knowing that raw sexual attraction only masquerades as “love,” limiting sexual temptation may mean avoiding too much time alone and seeking group activities. Courtship also promotes trustworthy behavior, sincere interest in the other’s welfare, and good listening skills. Each partner learns to encourage and serve the other, without smothering each other. It is interceding for one another in prayer together. As a courting relationship deepens, there is purposeful intimacy with integrity, leading a couple to engage themselves for marriage. During courtship, the couple earnestly seeks the feedback and advice of family, friends, and Christian counselors. Asking others lots of questions usually reaps helpful insight: “What do you think about our relationship?

Do you see any potential problems? Is there anything you would recommend that we could work on together?

Do you have any reservations about us getting married someday? How can we parent our children during our courting period?” In every way, you seek what is best for you and your beloved–not just serving your own interests. Above all, make sure that you give the relationship enough time to breathe and grow. I recommend at least two years from the time you begin “friendship dating” until the date of any remarriage, depending on your circumstances. Why two years? That period seems optimal to discover how you and your beloved bond. You need to experience a wide variety of situations and circumstances, as you grow and adjust to each other. Dr. Neil Warren, author of “Finding The Love Of Your Life,” counsels, “…[I]t’s crucial that you spend time with your spouse-to-be early in the morning and late at night; in heavy traffic and on country roads; in times of stress and easygoing moments. Observe him/her playing with children, doing household chores and balancing the checkbook.” In addition, Dr. Warren cites researchers at Kansas State University, who completed an empirical study of the subject and found “a strong correlation between the length of time spent dating their current spouses and current marital satisfaction.” They further found that “couples who had dated more than two years scored consistently high on marital satisfaction, while couples who had dated for shorter periods scored in a wide range from very high to very low.”5 But the most important point here is that if a relationship doesn’t stand the test of time, it may not be a good foundation for a remarriage lasting for the rest of your life. Don’t rush! Let the Lord lead. In discussing dating options, we certainly don’t mean to imply that you should have the mindset, “Lord, I’m out here beating the bushes for a mate. When I find one suitable for me, please bless us.” Obviously, this is backwards!

Keep in step with the Holy Spirit as you meet others. There is a big difference between waiting with expectancy for the Lord to open some doors, and focusing on our own expectations. Is your partner keeping pace with you spiritually and emotionally in the relationship? This could be a sign that you are spending time with a person who isn’t suitable for you, or perhaps isn’t ready for remarriage (or even parenthood). Seek the Lord’s guidance through prayer and advice from competent counselors. Ask, “Lord, is this person someone with whom you want me to spend my life? Would he/she be a good parent to my children? What should I be doing? Show me your will for my life, and help me live it out today, trusting you for tomorrow. Help me be content and seek your wisdom and discernment.” Let Him lead in your dating life. If you are in a serious courtship, you should receive some confirmation from the Lord as to whether the relationship is pleasing to Him within six months from the time you and your beloved first consider marriage. If, after six months, you don’t receive this confirmation, then perhaps it’s best to move on–gently, and with biblical love, but move on nevertheless. Don’t let a romantic attachment to a person unsuitable for you, or your children, linger. Prepare yourself. More than anything else, this means wrapping you and your children in prayer and sensitizing your family to the Lord’s direction. You are ready to date when your attention and focus are on the Lord and His will for yourself and your children. If you feel trapped in any way by the past and earlier relationships, you need to complete your grief recovery work from your prior marriage. Prepare your children. Depending upon the age and maturity of each child, let each one know you will be spending time with certain people, so they will not be overly concerned. Assure them no one will take their place. Accept the fact that there will be at least some jealousy and resistance, and that your children may not be happy with your choices. Be honest with them. Don’t hide the fact that you are dating. But you need not go into specifics–just say that you are “going out with friends.” Also, use caution when expressing your feelings for a dating partner. “I had the most wonderful date last night,” can create pressure for children. Limit the time you spend with a dating partner, while making sure not to ignore your children. Introduce change gradually. Always maintain a healthy sense of balance between your interests and those of your children, making sure the needs of your children always remain a high priority. Above all, it is wise to avoid introducing dating partners for any extended interaction with your children until after the relationship enters a serious courting stage. When introduction is timely and appropriate, make all such interactions gradual. Try to arrange initial meetings on neutral ground–rather than the home–until everyone feels comfortable with each other. Be warm, relaxed and confident. Let your date know you are having a good time by being expressive and sincere in your conversation, if you enjoy his/her attention. Use humor and laugh with your date. Be other-centered, focusing on your date’s needs and interests. Be positive and encouraging. Remember that everything good will occur in God’s timing, so you do not need to push or rush. Show your date that you are comfortable with yourself. Act in a godly manner. Live and act in a pure and godly way. Don’t lie about yourself. Don’t compromise your beliefs or allow yourself to be pressured into doing anything that would violate those beliefs. Reveal yourself slowly, guarding your heart. Be courteous and understanding. Take communication at your own pace. Above all, pray about how you will act with this person before you meet! Make dates a meaningful experience. Encourage fluid conversation. Listen and pay attention to your date without being distracted. Be alert and responsive. Avoid dominating the conversation. Dating experts tell us there are three primary “conversation-stoppers” on dates: (1) What do you do for a living?

(2) Where do you live?, and (3) Just how old are you anyway?

Why? Because people often use these questions as excuses not to dig a little deeper and get to know someone better. Try more interesting questions, such as: “What is your idea of a great date?” “Where do you see yourself in three to four years from now?” “If your house was on fire, what would you take out and why?” A key is to get to know a potential partner on a deeper level, allowing both you and that person to be yourselves, before any automatic defenses kick in. You have to feel safe, so you can be who you truly are. You also need reliable information about the other person. Don’t date to look for instant parents for your children. Use friendship dating and courting to find someone suitable for you, as God guides you. Once you find that person, then you can move on to see how well that person will be able to co-parent with you. Remember that the Lord faithfully serves as “a father to the fatherless…(and) sets the lonely in families” (Ps. 68:5-6). One of the primary goals of friendship dating and courting is to better discern God’s will for a godly marriage partner, and a spiritual, sensitive, and compassionate stepparent to your children, if Scripture permits you to remarry. · Avoid talking about problems. Remember Paul’s admonition in Philippians 4:8: “Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable–if anything is excellent or praiseworthy–think about such things.” Share the blessings of life, so you don’t sound like a complainer. · Don’t push the relationship. Don’t be too desperate to please. Don’t interrogate your date beyond asking general and neutral questions of interest. After all, a date shouldn’t be a job interview. Most importantly, avoid making commitments you don’t intend to keep throughout the relationship. The old adage is, “What you do to get him, you will have to do to keep him” is true. · Don’t wear your wedding ring. If you are a widowed person, you may be wearing your wedding ring for sentimental reasons. If you’re ready to date, take the ring off. It will be an uncomfortable distraction to those spending time with you. If this is too difficult an adjustment to make, then it would be wise to postpone dating until it is no longer a problem for you. · Limit discussion about former mates. Don’t tell your date that your deceased husband was a saint. Avoid talking about how your divorced ex-spouse created problems for you and your children. If the subject of past relationships comes up, be careful to tread lightly and limit any negatives. The Lord wants us to love those who mistreat us, and to speak well of others!

Especially avoid gossip. As James warns us, “Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark” (Jas. 3:5). Instead, focus on your current life–what you are doing now, and where you hope the Lord will lead you in the future. No one wants to listen to betrayal, misery, or anger themes on a date. · Avoid getting overly physical before remarriage. It goes without saying that a Christian dating relationship should remain pure and holy for the entire term. As the relationship and intimacy grows, it’s appropriate and good to express physical affection with restraint. But God expressly forbids engaging in sex before marriage (1 Cor. 6:12-20; Gal. 5:19-21; Rev. 21:8, 22:15). This is a very serious matter that should be avoided at all costs! Also, “sleepovers” are not prudent, since they can be very tempting situations for adults, and very confusing to children. Don’t let the “Don’ts” of dating unduly upset you. The most important thing to do on a date is to relax and have good, wholesome fun in a spiritual context! The best way to find a suitable remarriage partner is…to just let go!

Time after time you hear it: “I found the person who is right for me in marriage…when I stopped looking!” It is true in the world, as you read about person after person writing to advice columnists Dear Abby and Ann Landers with a common revelation–“When I gave up looking for `Mr. Right’ and decided to make new friends, I discovered a great guy.” Kelly summed up her experience this way: “I had trouble finding a decent relationship. I spent a lot of time looking, dating the wrong men, and feeling sad, lonely and left out. One day, I realized I might NEVER get married. I took a good, long look at my life and decided it wasn’t so bad. I stopped yearning for what I didn’t have and focused on what I did have, and concluded that I had more than most people. I filled my life with friends and fun activities. At one of those fun activities, I met the most wonderful man in the world. We were married two years later.” Certainly no one will tell you that you will meet a remarriage partner suitable for you if you stop looking. You may not. But do you trust God to lead you into green pastures of a fulfilling and rewarding life no matter what happens? Stop worrying about all the “what ifs” and just relax. That instantly makes you more attractive to others!

The Lord knows what you need, even before you ask him (Matt. 6:8)!

If no prospective partner comes into your life, perhaps God believes the time isn’t right, or a relationship isn’t suitable for you in your current circumstances. But be content enough to go with the flow of your life and just let the Lord lead. You may be surprised to find the person of your dreams revealed at the most unexpected time!

There is goodness in letting God take over. If you are caught in one of life’s traps from which there is no reasonable way of escape, just do it. Let go…and seek His face.


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