dating personality difference optimistic

Which of These 5 Dating Personality Types Are You?

Have you ever noticed that people follow distinct patterns when it comes to their dating habits?

Have you identified your own pattern?

When it comes to dating, most of us can be pretty predictable and fall into one of five basic dating personality types. There is no positive or negative here. Your dating personality can change, and oftentimes it will over the course of our lives. Humans are complicated, of course, and it's possible to recognize characteristics of more than one type in yourself, but one will probably stand out for you more than the rest. If you're single and hoping to get into a relationship, knowing your own type and the type of those you're meeting and dating can save you a lot of confusion and heartache! Avoiders want to have an organically unfolding connection with partners; they hope that a suitable partner will appear without any special effort on their part. When they do date, they usually date those they know through friends, work or school. Avoiders believe (or desperately hope) love will "just happen." They can easily find reasons to disqualify potential partners, and feel intimidated by intimacy, especially when they are being pursued. Avoiders need to stop avoiding and start dating. New thinking takes practice - you're not likely to magically wake up one day and find yourself going on lots of dates without a concerted effort to do things differently than you have before now. Get the support you need- a friend who can hold you accountable can be a great way to keep you on track when you feel like throwing in the towel. Online dating, singles events or working with a professional dating coach or matchmaker are all ways to jumpstart your love life. If you practice your dating skills you will greatly improve your confidence and de-mystify the process of dating. If your new actions feel uncomfortable, take that as a good sign! Dreamers have a very active imagination when it comes to their love lives - even when they're not dating at all. mon characteristics are: Dreamers believe in love at first sight and feel that anything less is a waste of time. They don't easily move on if their attraction to another is not reciprocated or the other person isn't seeking a relationship. Dreamers can easily be taken advantage of by someone who enjoys their attention but isn't interested in being a partner. They can be highly critical of those they're not already emotionally invested in and see their crush as nearly perfect. Dreamers can spend a lot of time frustrated by the inability or unwillingness of their "dream" partner to materialize or commit to them. Dreamers tend to be very well suited to monogamy, since they are so single-minded about the object of their desire. The problem arises when the reality doesn't live up to the fantasy the Dreamer has created, or when the relationship is over or hasn't even begun - a Dreamer can stay single for a long time because of an attachment to an unavailable partner. Similar to Avoiders, Dreamers need practice dating other people. And they need to focus on becoming their own fantasy. What are the qualities you desire in others?

Are they present in you? Can you cultivate them? Oftentimes what we greatly admire in others is a clue to what we desire for ourselves. Dreamers also need a reality check - if you find yourself putting someone up on a pedestal (particularly if you're not in a relationship), take a step back. Don't indulge the fantasy but look for the reality of your current situation. Martyrs can find themselves in the same unfulfilling relationships and romantic entanglements over and over. mon characteristics are: Martyrs can be very empathetic, which is a wonderful quality. However, they can too easily lose their own sense of self worth and diminish their own needs and desires. Unfortunately, it's easy to justify a relationship with an incompatible or even abusive partner if you're not able to believe you deserve more (which you do) or that you can find another person who wants to date you (you can, trust me). Martyrdom can easily lead to masochism if you're not careful. If there is one thing the Martyr needs to focus on, it's their sense of self-worth. If you are a Martyr, it's probably a good idea to take a break from dating until you are able to choose your partners from a position of confidence. The goal here is not perfection - it's knowing that you have something special to offer and you don't have to settle for anyone who doesn't excite you and fulfill your needs. Remember - we all deserve someone who wants to be with us for who we are, not just because our partner couldn't say no. Attraction to the "potential" in others - maybe an unrealized talent or admirable personality trait. Often "rescuing" partners from some distress - financial trouble, addiction, an abusive or otherwise toxic relationship, or a difficult period of life such as a job loss, health issue or death of a loved one. Can become involved with people at a drastically different stage of life - someone who is much younger or has fewer resources than the Nurturer/Protector to handle their current situation. Nurturer/Protectors, unconsciously or consciously like a "project". They pride themselves on being able to see a side or an aspect of a person that most others can't see. They secretly (or not so secretly) hope that they can love or encourage their partners into lasting change or breakthroughs. This relationship dynamic can lead to resentment on the part of the Nurturer/Protector, who can feel frustrated that their efforts are unappreciated or don't achieve the results they are hoping for. There is also a danger of unconsciously setting your partner up to continually need your protection and support. This dating type can result in well balanced relationships when the person being nurtured/protected is on the same page and enjoys this dynamic. If, however, the Nurturer/Protector finds her or himself in out of balance relationships that lead to resentment, and heartache, take a step back. Look at the commonalities of those you've dated - are you always paying the bills, or helping someone find a new place to live, or providing a safe landing for them to exit a bad relationship? The best way to create a new pattern is to shine a light on the existing one and making a new decision going forward. Charmers love the thrill of the chase (or being chased). They are naturally adept at attracting many potential partners. They can be impulsive and fall in love easily and passionately for a short time. Monogamous relationships tend to be a rare or short-term event for the Charmer who is especially addicted to the novelty of new attractions. Charmer, know thyself!

Society might frown upon your charismatic, noncommittal ways, but there is no one way to be in this world. The key for you is to use your powers for good, not evil. Your number one rule should be honesty, honesty, honesty. Starting with yourself. Do you want to have a lasting relationship? If so, pump the brakes and don't fall into your usual habit of moving at lightning speed. If you don't want a commitment, be upfront and take responsibility for the impression you might be conveying by charming new prospects so effectively. You probably have left your fair share of broken hearts in your wake and a lot of those could have been avoided if you were upfront from the beginning (before sex) about what you were looking for. Those non-Charmers out there have responsibility too, since in many cases we turn off our logical brains in the face of the rush of adrenaline a Charmer can provide. Just as the Charmer should avoid saying what they know the other person wants to hear (unless they mean it), everyone would be wise to take words and actions into account when our hearts are involved. If it's meant to be, taking it slow won't stop your relationship from happening. So, which type are you?

Do you recognize yourself in one or more of the above?

Do you think I missed a type? Let me know!

Leave a comment below or find me on Twitter. You can also sign up for more free advice, updates and even a free session with me at www.francescahogi.com! Here’s How Optimistic You Are, According To Your Personality Type. Here’s How Optimistic You Are, According To Your Personality Type. While some people are extremely pessimistic, others prefer to maintain a sense of optimism in life. Here is how optimistic each personality type actually is. INFJ. INFJs are generally more cynical and realistic than they are optimistic. They do have a deep hope inside of them that the world can be a beautiful place, and often feel burdened to find a way to help in changing things. INFJs want to make the world a better place, and believe in being kind and helpful to others. They often have this nagging belief that they are meant to serve a greater purpose, and this is often why INFJ do make a different in the world- even if that difference is only for the people close to them. They sometimes are fearful of being too optimistic, because this can cause them to feel overwhelmed when they become disappointment. ENFJ. ENFJs are definitely optimistic people, with a drive to push themselves forward. They want to make a difference for others, and because of this they never stop trying. ENFJs are almost always seen on-the-go, and are constantly juggling a million errands. The ENFJ wants to help others and enjoys making people happy, which is what makes them such wonderful people to be around. Their warm hearts cause the ENFJ to feel hopeful and optimistic that there are other good people out there in the world. They are often the ones who create their own positivity, simply because they put forth the effort. INFP. INFPs are often a mix of emotions, they can be both pessimistic and optimistic. For the INFP it entirely depends upon their current mood, since they experience a rainbow of emotions all at once. There are sometimes when the INFP feels unbelievably pessimistic, and this is often after they experience a great disappointment in their lives. There are other times in their lives where the INFP feels very hopeful and optimistic for the future ahead of them. They actually have a healthy combination of both emotions, which helps the INFP to cope with what happens in their lives. ENFP. ENFPs are generally very optimistic people, who enjoy remaining positive. They dislike allowing life to get them down, even when they go through struggles. ENFPs realize that life is hard for everyone, but there is no need to be miserable about it all of the time. They would rather remain optimistic and hopeful that things will continue to get better and move forward in their lives. This optimistic attitude really helps the ENFP find healthy ways to cope with stress and anything negative that happens in their lives. Like anyone they do have times where they feel overwhelmed and a bit pessimistic, but ENFPs try to remain positive. INTJ. INTJs are not optimistic people, they are simply realistic people. They like to observe and understand the facts, instead of allowing emotions to overtake them. INTJs are not pessimistic either, but instead they like to take things for what they are. The INTJ will be as realistic as possible when making decisions and when looking towards the future. This awareness truly helps the INTJ to navigate their lives in a beneficial and intelligent manner. Instead of being blindly optimistic, the INTJ will observe the potential negative outcomes and find ways to plan for it. ENTJ. ENTJs are certainly positive people, but that does not mean they are blindly optimistic. Instead of allowing emotions to control them, ENTJs prefer to focus on the facts and information at hand. They are often very strategic people, and will assess the situation in order to find the best possible path forward. ENTJs are realistic people, but they also have a true passion for life and everything it has to offer. They know how to be focused and driven people, but at the same time they also know how to have fun. INTP. INTPs are certainly not optimistic people, and if anything they are often cynical. INTPs are skilled at observing all of the various possibilities, which can cause them to be a bit negative about how things might turn out. Their ability to see the various possible outcomes of the future, can bring the INTP down a bit sometimes. They are capable of finding out exactly what could go wrong, but they are also skilled at planning ways around this. INTPs are realistic, which can sometimes cause them to be cynical minded people. ENTP. ENTPs are an unusual combination of cynical and optimistic- which makes them very interesting people. They are often accepting of the way things are, and realize that they don’t have the let it bring them down. When the ENTP has people in their lives who care for them, it helps them to remain positive and hopeful about the future. They use their intelligence and passion as a way to help them remain optimistic about things. ENTPs do have moments of cynicism though, but they often use humor to deflect against their feelings. ISTJ. ISTJs are certainly not optimistic people, but instead they are realistic. ISTJs prefer to see things how they are, instead of being blindly optimistic. They realize that things can go wrong, and would much rather prepare for those situations. ISTJs ability to research and understand things, helps them to plan for the future in an intelligent way. They are often positive about the future, but they want to plan things and prepare for the bad beforehand. Being prepared helps the ISTJ feel ready for whatever might come. ESTJ. ESTJs are often optimistic people, but at the same time they prefer to be prepared. When the ESTJ is capable of researching and preparing for the future, they feel extremely positive about it. They dislike walking into things without being ready for all of the negative possibilities, because they are fully aware that there are many things that could go wrong. ESTJs are certainly not pessimistic people, but they dislike being naïve in any situation. ISFJ. ISTJs are actually surprisingly optimistic people, who are constantly hoping for the best. They can be a bit high stress though, and want to do what they can to prepare for things. ISFJs worry about their loved ones very much, and want to prepare for the worst at all times. When the ISFJ is capable of preparing for things, they will feel extremely optimistic for the future. They dislike dwelling on too much negativity, and want to keep harmony in their environment. ESFJ. ESFJs are often affected by their surroundings and the people closest to them. This causes the ESFJ to be pessimistic or optimistic, depending on the company that they keep. If the people in their lives truly need someone to be optimistic in order to help them, the ESFJ will become this person. They do whatever it takes to make their loved ones as happy as possible. ESFJs dislike feeling out of control, and want to ensure that things are taken care of. At their core ESFJs are hopeful people who are constantly trying to stay optimistic about the future. ISTP. ISTPs are often cynical and realistic people, who prefer to understand things fully. They do not want to be naively optimistic about the future, and instead would be aware of things ISTP realize that things can go wrong, but at the same time they are resign to this fact. They understand that life is all about the ups and down, and you simply have to take things as they come. ISTPs are certainly not optimistic people but they are not pessimistic either. Instead the ISTP is a realist, with a desire to enjoy the present moment. ESTP. ESTPs are definitely not optimistic people, but instead of more realistic. They understand that life is not always going to be perfect, but they believe that they can achieve their goals. The ESTP often wants to take matters into their own hands in order to create a better future for themselves and their loved ones. Instead of just allowing things the happen, the ESTP will work hard to obtain what they want in life. They realize that things aren’t going to come their way if they don’t reach for their goals. ISFPs are very optimistic people, who prefer to remain positive and at peace with their lives. They almost always believe that things will get better, even when they are experiencing dark times. The ISFP knows that if they remain positive, good things will come their way. They want to enjoy the present moment, instead of dwelling on the past or pushing too hard towards the future. ISFPs realize that life is about enjoying the moment, before it passes you by. ESFP. ESFPs are extremely optimistic people, which can sometimes get them into trouble. They want to remain positive about the future, and dislike too much negativity. ESFPs can be the worst situation possible, and they will still try their hardest to remain optimistic. They might have moments where they feel down and simply want to cry to their loved ones- but the ESFP will never give up hope that things will get better. They often believe that things will change, and are constantly trying to be strong. Truity's Personality and Careers Blog. Recent Posts. Infographics. Categories. Personality Types. Blog Topics. How Dating By Personality Type Can Help You Find Your Love Match. Dating in 2020 can be challenging. Many people now turn to dating apps to help them find a partner, only to discover they are missing a crucial piece of the puzzle: personality compatibility. It’s one of the most important ingredients of attraction, yet it’s not even a small consideration in most dating apps. What romantic compatibility looks like. Firstly, let’s consider what an ideal personality type pairing looks like. When it comes to dating, it helps to have some similarities in order to ‘get’ each other and some differences to create that spark. Without shared ground of some kind, it can be challenging to relate to and understand each other—both of which are essential to any fulfilling relationship. At the same time, having differences helps create the chemistry that’s crucial for attraction and catapults a platonic relationship into something more. Romance starts with loving yourself. Recognizing personality types can help your love life in numerous ways. Meeting someone who sweeps you off your feet seems to be the focus for most people, but it’s equally important that when you do meet that special someone, they want to be with you too. Knowing and understanding your Myers-Briggs personality type is one of the most powerful tools for personal development and becoming the best version of yourself. It can help you understand your weaknesses, strengths, priorities, values, response to stress and much more. This degree of self-awareness is fundamental when it comes to healthy relationships. Maybe you have a strong aversion to conflict? Or you lash out during arguments?

Being aware of your own behavior is the first step towards change and self-improvement. Love comes from mutual understanding. As well as knowing yourself, personality typing can be used to better understand others. Using a framework like Myers and Briggs' can help to see where someone is coming from and why they act the way they do. It can be easy to assume that other people think similarly to ourselves, show love in the same way or have the same needs, but more often than not it just isn’t the case. You might show your love for someone by shouting it from the rooftops, but your partner needs physical touch in order to feel valued. Knowing even this alone can make for a much more harmonious relationship. Mutual understanding is everything when it comes to connection. About those dating apps. Meeting someone who is also interested in personality types increases the chance of being on the same wavelength. There will already be a shared interest and if both of you know your personality type on your first date, it can create a more interesting starting point for conversation. Typically, people who are taking the time to learn about personality types will also be interested in personal development, which means you can continue a journey of personal growth with a companion. So Syncd, a new dating app and website based on the personality theory created by Briggs and Myers, offers an easy way to meet like-minded people—and it's available just in time for Valentine’s Day. Personality types can help define what matters to you when looking for a partner. Most people have some idea of what kind of person they click with, but using parameters can provide clarity. Are you looking for someone who is practical and structured to balance out your own go-with-the-flow nature?

Or maybe you want to meet a partner that you can share plenty of deep conversations with? By identifying which traits are important to you, you can then work out which personality types encompass these characteristics. You can start by exploring comprehensive descriptions of each of the 16 personalities. Knowing which traits or personality types you are looking for can make it easier to recognize compatible partners when you do meet them, or you can use So Syncd to search for people of specific personality types. The final word. Attraction and compatibility are highly complex. Many other factors come into play as well as personality type, such as shared values, common interests, life experience and so on (even different immunity genes can play a role). But Myers and Briggs' personality type framework is a highly useful tool that can be used in various ways to help you find the one and, perhaps even more importantly, to have a happy, fulfilling relationship when you do. Jessica, an INFP, is the co-founder of So Syncd, a dating app and website that matches partners based on their Myers-Briggs personality types. She and her sister are on a mission to make dating more meaningful, fun, and successful. She loves the beach, stacks of pancakes and people who are good with directions. Comments. Mark Mosely (not verified) says. I love studying personality type, but it has ruined dating for me. I would never again date my opposite, the ESTP. I also would never date the other type that I am naturally attracted to, the ENTP. Studying personality type has helped me learn what types to avoid at all costs and made me content with being alone. Beth Davis (not verified) says. Gee, Mark, that really sounds depressing. You know what types to avoid at all costs and that makes you content with being alone?

Can't you just avoid the types you need to avoid?

I'm a sixty year old, single woman with lots of (mostly bad) experience with relationships. Being alone is easy, once you learn to love yourself. Being alone also sucks when you go home to just your dog at night. I'm not saying you HAVE to be in a relationship, but they do so much to enrich our lives and humans were not created to be solitary creatures. It makes me sad to see so many young people giving up on relationships and choosing to "be content being alone", when the vast majority of the time, that's just a way to avoid getting hurt again. I hope you decide to reconsider spending the rest of your life alone. I have friends who made that decision in their thirties and forties who are now in their sixties - and thoroughly regretting it. Please don't be "that guy". Cari (not verified) says. LeAnn (not verified) says. Well, I can say that being single and not dating is far better than being involved with someone toxic which is the only type I attract. After decades of being married to the wrong guy and then faced with one toxic fellow after another, I am VERY happy to be alone and just moving on with my own goals in life. Being very intuitive, an HSP and an empath the odds are stacked against me unless I find a way to recognize someone who will not use me for their own gain. Mom would say 'never say never' but I am lucky to have actually survived this long, period. I've read younger women are choosing to not get married until established in their careers and having children is an optional choice. I didn't have any children but realize now that was a choice of not wanting my kids to have an abusive, chemically dependent father. Of my 5 nieces, the oldest is unmarried and has no kids, is very happy with her life. The second is married but they decided to get a dog and are choosing not to have kids. The third refused to marry the father of her two children, is very successful in her career and probably will never marry. The fourth is married to a lovely fellow from Denmark and has two girls. The fifth is also married to a great guy and has 2 kids, she is also an entreprenuer in her own right. Recently I read a survey that reported the happiest women are those who never married and never had children. If I'd realized I would have no children I would have never married and would be in a far better financial situation. although I can say I'm doing better than most of the retired women I know. That career life paid off but it's been almost 10 years getting over the last relationship and I'm in no hurry to get into another one. I do have a lovely 'soul cat' and that is amazing, I don't see pets as "just" an animal, their unconditional love is a great example of what we can all aspire to. One day maybe I'll be ready to share parts of my life but for now it's a year of balancing and self love. If the right one comes along then it's karma, period. Mark Mosely (not verified) says. I reread my previous comment and realized how negative it was. I would just like to say that I think that using the Myers-Briggs personality system to find a compatible partner is a great idea. I have been studying the Myers-Briggs personality types for a long time, and I am absolutely convinced of their reliability. I started studying personality types and Jungian Psychology when I was an undergraduate many years ago. I independently observed that I could tell the difference between Sensing types and Intuitive types by their eye movements. I tried to find confirmation of what I was noticing in the many books that I was reading about Myers-Briggs personality types. However, I couldn't find anything that mentioned anything about the difference in eye movements between Sensing and Intuitive types. Fortunately, a few years later, in graduate school, when I started reading Carl Jung's work more intensely, I found a passage in one of the books of his Collected Works that mentioned the differing eye movements that I had independently observed. Carl Jung described Intuitive types as having a blank gaze most of the time, and he detailed how the pupils of the Sensing types would move. I was completely convinced of the accuracy of the Jungian personality types and the Myers-Briggs personality types after I got confirmation of what I had observed from reading Jung's Collected Works. I wish I could remember which book of Jung's Collected Works that I read it in. I don't think that it was Psychological Types because I had a copy of that a few years ago and couldn't find a reference to the eye movements. In closing, I would just like to say that I believe in the Myers-Briggs personality types, and that the So Syncd app sounds like a great way to find that special someone that you can have a meaningful and compatible relationship with. I'm a sixty year old, single woman with lots of (mostly bad) experience with relationships. Being alone is easy, once you learn to love yourself. Being alone also sucks when you go home to just your dog at night. I'm not saying you HAVE to be in a relationship, but they do so much to enrich our lives and humans were not created to be solitary creatures. It makes me sad to see so many young people giving up on relationships and choosing to "be content being alone", when the vast majority of the time, that's just a way to avoid getting hurt again. I hope you decide to reconsider spending the rest of your life alone. I have friends who made that decision in their thirties and forties who are now in their sixties - and thoroughly regretting it. Please don't be "that guy". Cari (not verified) says. LeAnn (not verified) says. Well, I can say that being single and not dating is far better than being involved with someone toxic which is the only type I attract. After decades of being married to the wrong guy and then faced with one toxic fellow after another, I am VERY happy to be alone and just moving on with my own goals in life. Being very intuitive, an HSP and an empath the odds are stacked against me unless I find a way to recognize someone who will not use me for their own gain. Mom would say 'never say never' but I am lucky to have actually survived this long, period. I've read younger women are choosing to not get married until established in their careers and having children is an optional choice. I didn't have any children but realize now that was a choice of not wanting my kids to have an abusive, chemically dependent father. Of my 5 nieces, the oldest is unmarried and has no kids, is very happy with her life. The second is married but they decided to get a dog and are choosing not to have kids. The third refused to marry the father of her two children, is very successful in her career and probably will never marry. The fourth is married to a lovely fellow from Denmark and has two girls. The fifth is also married to a great guy and has 2 kids, she is also an entreprenuer in her own right. Recently I read a survey that reported the happiest women are those who never married and never had children. If I'd realized I would have no children I would have never married and would be in a far better financial situation. although I can say I'm doing better than most of the retired women I know. That career life paid off but it's been almost 10 years getting over the last relationship and I'm in no hurry to get into another one. I do have a lovely 'soul cat' and that is amazing, I don't see pets as "just" an animal, their unconditional love is a great example of what we can all aspire to. One day maybe I'll be ready to share parts of my life but for now it's a year of balancing and self love. If the right one comes along then it's karma, period. Mark Mosely (not verified) says. I reread my previous comment and realized how negative it was. I would just like to say that I think that using the Myers-Briggs personality system to find a compatible partner is a great idea. I have been studying the Myers-Briggs personality types for a long time, and I am absolutely convinced of their reliability. I started studying personality types and Jungian Psychology when I was an undergraduate many years ago. I independently observed that I could tell the difference between Sensing types and Intuitive types by their eye movements. I tried to find confirmation of what I was noticing in the many books that I was reading about Myers-Briggs personality types. However, I couldn't find anything that mentioned anything about the difference in eye movements between Sensing and Intuitive types. Fortunately, a few years later, in graduate school, when I started reading Carl Jung's work more intensely, I found a passage in one of the books of his Collected Works that mentioned the differing eye movements that I had independently observed. Carl Jung described Intuitive types as having a blank gaze most of the time, and he detailed how the pupils of the Sensing types would move. I was completely convinced of the accuracy of the Jungian personality types and the Myers-Briggs personality types after I got confirmation of what I had observed from reading Jung's Collected Works. I wish I could remember which book of Jung's Collected Works that I read it in. I don't think that it was Psychological Types because I had a copy of that a few years ago and couldn't find a reference to the eye movements. In closing, I would just like to say that I believe in the Myers-Briggs personality types, and that the So Syncd app sounds like a great way to find that special someone that you can have a meaningful and compatible relationship with. Optimism: Is It A Personality Trait, Or Could People Possibly Learn It?

Optimism: Is It A Personality Trait, Or Could People Possibly Learn It? Research shows that optimism is correlated with various good outcomes: higher life expectancy, better recovery rates, success at work. But is optimism a personality trait, or could it be learned?

There's a lot of research showing that optimism is correlated with all kinds of good outcomes like increased life expectancy, better recovery rates from heart operations, even success in work. But optimism, particularly right now, can be hard to come by. So NPR's Alix Spiegel decided to ask, can we choose it? ALIX SPIEGEL, BYLINE: There's so much packed into the simple word optimist, a whole galaxy of complicated meanings and judgments. To say, I'm an optimist, is to say that you're someone committed to hope and progress, the sunny side of a complicated world, which brings me to Jake Fratangelo and the Optimist Creed. JAKE FRATANGELO: To be strong so that nothing can disturb your peace of mind, to be just as enthusiastic about the success of others as you are about your own, to be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear, and too happy to permit the presence of trouble. SPIEGEL: For close to 100 years, this creed has been repeated by countless members of a group called Optimist International. It got started after the First World War, when people really needed some optimism, and now has more than half a million members in 20 countries. Fratangelo is an officer in the D.C. chapter. The group raises money for schools and homeless shelters. Like so many people, Fratangelo's been sheltering at home with his family. But even for him, quite literally an avowed optimist, there have been moments when it's been hard to live the Optimist Creed. FRATANGELO: When my 1-year-old and my 2-year-old are both screaming and I have a conference call and so does my wife, it's not my most optimistic moment. SPIEGEL: We tend to think of optimism as a personality trait, something you're born with or maybe born without. But there is a completely different way to think about it. SPIEGEL: This is Martin Seligman, a psychologist at the University of Pennsylvania. Seligman came to research on optimism through a strange back door. In the '70s, he did a series of experiments on dogs, which demonstrated what he called learned helplessness. Essentially, Seligman put dogs in a situation where they got an uncomfortable electric shock they could do nothing about and found that the dogs became so conditioned that even when they were put into a new situation where there was a clear and unambiguous opportunity to escape, they still didn't do anything. They sat there passive. SELIGMAN: One-third of people I could not make helpless in laboratory, so I began to wonder, what was it about some people that makes them so resilient?

SPIEGEL: To understand why some people could not be made helpless, Seligman started to look at the reasons people gave when they asked themselves the question, why is this bad thing happening?

See; when people try to understand why they're experiencing something painful, they often make a series of unconscious assumptions that can be thought of as a person's explanatory style. Seligman talks about three. The first has to do with whether you think of the bad thing that's happening to you as permanent or temporary. SELIGMAN: If you fail an examination, for example, and you think the cause is, I'm stupid, well, stupidity is permanent. It's not very changeable - whereas if you thought I had a hangover, that's changeable. SPIEGEL: The second has to do with control, whether you think you have the ability to control the outcome or not. And the third, whether you think of the painful thing in front of you as pervasive - that is something that always seems to happen to you - or if it's just this once. SELIGMAN: You're rejected by someone you love and you might think, I'm unlovable. On the other hand, you might think, this is just not the right man for me. SPIEGEL: Over time, Seligman was able to determine that the subset of people in his study he could not make helpless tended to assume that whatever problem they were experiencing was temporary, just this one time and controllable; an explanatory style he associates with optimists. SPIEGEL: So what Seligman wanted to know next was, how much control do we have over which explanatory style we default to? Should optimism be thought of as an immovable personality trait?

Or could it be learned just as the dogs in his experiment learned helplessness? SELIGMAN: I wondered if you could take children who were pessimists, who are at risk for becoming depressed as they go through puberty, and teach them an optimistic explanatory style prophylactically. SPIEGEL: So he embarked on a massive years-long study of middle-school kids in the Philadelphia suburbs where they were taught, first, to identify the underlying assumptions they were making and then to challenge those assumptions. And he says retraining explanatory style - it really did seem to help. SPIEGEL: If we think of optimism as a trait, part of the temperament we were born into, it can feel inaccessible to those of us who don't automatically default to a sunny view of life. But if you look under the hood, break optimism down into its smaller component parts, it feels like there might be more room in there for us all if we need it. NPR transcripts are created on a rush deadline by Verb8tm, Inc., an NPR contractor, and produced using a proprietary transcription process developed with NPR. This text may not be in its final form and may be updated or revised in the future. Accuracy and availability may vary. The authoritative record of NPR’s programming is the audio record. Optimists have longer, more satisfying relationships, study suggests. Optimists feel they receive greater support from their partners than nonoptimists and, in turn, both optimists and their partners are more satisfied in their relationships, according to a study in the July issue of the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (Vol. 91, No. 1). "When we think of optimists, we usually think of people who have an abiding inclination to expect positive outcomes, which may sometimes depart from reality," says lead researcher Sanjay Srivastava, PhD, of the University of Oregon. "But we found that optimists' partners were affected by their partners' positive outlook--even when they were not optimists." In the study, 108 couples who had been dating at least six months filled out questionnaires that examined each member's general outlook on life, as well as surveys that gauged their perceived support in the dating relationship, relationship satisfaction, investment in the relationship and their big five personality characteristics. A week later, the researchers brought the couples back into the lab to discuss the most stressful area of disagreement in their relationship. After the interaction, the researchers asked each partner to report how positively and constructively the other acted. A week after the discussion, the researchers asked the partners how well they resolved the conflict. Srivastava and his colleagues found that couples with at least one optimist were more satisfied with their relationship overall, and, interestingly, optimists were not more likely to date optimists than nonoptimists. Optimists and their partners were also more likely to report that their partner was constructive in their conflict discussion and that the conflict was effectively resolved. The effect may be driven by optimists' tendency to perceive their partners as supportive, Srivastava suggests. A year later, the researchers contacted the participants to ask whether they were still in an exclusive dating relationship with their partner. About 75 percent of couples with optimistic men were still together, while 54 percent of couples with nonoptimistic men were still dating. The researchers did not find an effect for optimistic women, although Srivastava suggests that the gender difference may be due to chance because all other effects were found for both men and women. The study suggests that having at least one optimist in a relationship may lead to longer and more fulfilling relationships, says Srivastava.

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